Lady Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet No. 16 by Kelly Link Gavin J. Grant Read Free Book Online Page A

Folding and refolding, wetting the edges with her tongue, Mei freed herself from the shapes of paper and fluttered next to them, white, flammable, together.
    [Back to Table of Contents]

Dear Aunt Gwenda:
    Republicans & Chihuahuas Edition
    Q: Dear Aunt Gwenda,
    Now that you've been married for a while, do you have any new and startling insights into the male brain?
    Yours, A Seeker After Truth
    A: Dear Seeker:
    It is true: men possess a brain! One sole brain that is shared among them, a hive mind!
    Okay, I've never really cared for those kinds of jokes. I've discovered that having separate bathrooms and a dishwasher are the keys to any successful marriage. It's best just to let them do the lawn-mowing. Science fiction conventions are excellent places to spend the landmark anniversaries in your relationship. Three bicycles are enough.
    Also, you can make them do anything you want by threatening to get a buzz cut. It's just like dads and the word “stripper."
    Love, Aunt G
    Q: Dear Aunt Gwenda,
    Many of my family members are Republicans. What can I do about this?
    Fondly, Perplexed.
    A: Dear Fondly Perplexed,
    If you're Southern, the answer is easy: the time-honored tradition of disowning the unsavory members of one's family. It’ s a genteel excommunication. Should their status change, you can just bring them back into the fold.
    On a practical level if you're not willing to disown them, there are still a couple of things you can do. The most important—the very key to your sanity—is this: stop listening to them. You must never pay attention to anything that comes out of their mouths. Just nod and murmur, “Uh-huh.” Leave the room should anyone mention George W. Bush, the Pope or Dennis Miller. If pressed, say, “That Ann Coulter doll was pretty hot.” Leave the room while they are still befuddled.
    The third method of dealing involves some fraud. But I've found that in most states they don't require a photo ID when you change your party affiliation, just a social security number. Get someone the same gender as your R relation to go down to ye olde courthouse and change them from R to D. If you're too chicken, get some forms and do it via the U.S. Postal Service, decreasing your physical exposure and increasing your legal exposure at the same time. Your family members may still act like Rs, but you'll have the sense of serenity that comes from knowing they are not. Fraud heals the soul. No good R will argue with that.
    Love, Aunt G
    Q: Dear Aunt Gwenda,
    My roommate is so quiet I never know whether or not I'm alone. I'm used to being the quietest person around, and her quieter-than-thou ways are unnerving me! How am I supposed to talk to myself if I can't be sure I'm the only one who's listening?
    Invisible
    A: Dear Invisible:
    Have you read Carol Emshwiller's story “I Live With You"? You should. I think you're in it.
    What you need is a puppet. You can talk to your puppet then and make it talk back to you. This will create a much bigger problem to deal with than Silent Roommate Stalks With Wolves, because you will be suddenly insane.
    Love, Aunt G
    Q: Dear Aunt Gwenda,
    I am the proud owner of two Chihuauas that don't know their own (barely measurable) strength. They always try to pick fights with the biggest dogs in the neighborhood, and today they barked at a woman who was clearly on her way to karate practice—the belt around her waist was black! How do you let a small dog know just how small it really is?
    From,
    Lilliputian Pooch Papa
    A: Dear Lilliputian Pooch Papa:
    Do you have asthma or something? Is this Paris Hilton pretending to be a man?
    I kid: I love the Chihuahuas.
    Small dogs yap at bigger ones. It's the way of the world. Deal with it or buy a Mastiff for your precious princesses to ride on top of, rhinoceros-tickbird style.
    Love, Aunt G
    Q: Dear Aunt Gwenda,
    Why aren't all books as good as Geoff Ryman's Air ?
    A Devoted Reader
    A: Dear Devoted:
    Not all books are written by Geoff Ryman,