Letters

Letters by John Barth Read Free Book Online

Book: Letters by John Barth Read Free Book Online
Authors: John Barth
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twins’ formidable tutor! In Chicamec’s possession is the portion of Smith’s Secret Historie describing Burlingame’s abandonment, and Chicamec repeats his father’s vow to exterminate the “English Devils”—a resolve pass’d down thro Chicamec to his sons.
    Now, as Chicamec himself was a halfbreed & his queen as well (the daughter of an errant Jesuit priest & an Ahatchwhoop maiden), their three sons were born in a variety of shades. The 1st, Mattasinemarough, was a pure-blood Indian. The 2nd, Cohunkowprets, a halfbreed like his parents. The 3rd, white-skinn’d and therefore doom’d, was named (nay, label’d, in red ochre on his chest) Henry Burlingame III, & set adrift in a canoe on the ebb tide down the Chesapeake—whence he was rescued by a passing English vessel, adopted by its captain, and fetcht back to England to begin his quest.
    There is too much more to the story for this letter—enough to make a novelsworth of letters, Richardson-fashion! Indeed, I see now I must write you at least thrice more, one letter for each generation from this Burlingame III to yourself, if I am to introduce you properly to your sires & show forth that aforementioned pattern, which at this point is as yet unmanifest. But of this H.B. III, your great-great-grandfather, four things more need saying, all connected, ere I close.
    1st, his brother’s name, Cohunkowprets, means “bill-o’-the-goose” in the Algonkin dialect of the Ahatchwhoops, and Chicamec’s middle son was thus denominated because, like his brothers & his grandfather (but not his father), he was born so underendow’d in the way of private parts as to move his mother to exclaim on 1st sight of him (in effect & in Algonkin), “A goose hath peckt him peckerless!” This characteristic—like a tendency to plural births—afflicts us Burlingames in alternate generations. More accurately, since the time of H.B. III, when our line began to exchange the surnames Cooke & Burlingame in succeeding generations, it has afflicted all the Burlingames: you yourself, we expect, should you emerge a Henry, will be but a few centimeters’ membership from Henriettahood in this particular. Yet do not despair, for as my existence attests (& that of Andrew Cooke III, my grandfather, & of Chicamec as well, my grandfather’s grandfather), the Burlingames have found ways to overcome their deficiency. We shall pass along to you, when you reach young manhood, the “Secret of the Magic Eggplant,” which, I now learn, we took originally from the Privie Journall.
    Indeed (here is my 2nd point), as a man born short of the average stature may outdo taller men in feats of manliness, so Henry Burlingames III & IV (the latter my father) were men of uncommon sexuality. H.B. III, who concerns us here, was by his own denomination a “cosmophilist,” who not only lusted after both his charges, Anna & Ebenezer Cooke, but claim’d to have had carnal connection as well with sundry sorts of barnyard animals, plants, inanimate objects, the very earth itself—long before his discovery of John Smith’s eggplant recipe made it possible for him to beget a child.
    Thirdly, from this “cosmophilism,” or erotical love of the world, must have stem’d H.B. III’s endless interests: his passion for everything from astronomy, music, politics, rope-splicing, & chess, to the practice of medicine, law, & nautical piracy, for example; in particular for what he call’d “the game of governments,” and my father “the practice of history.” He successfully impersonated, at various times, both Lord Baltimore & Baltimore’s arch-enemy John Coode; perhaps “Monsieur Casteene” as well. At 1st, one gathers, the motive for his intrigues, at least their occasion, was his research into his parentage: the Secret Historie & Privie Journall were involved in Coode’s conspiracies against Baltimore, and thus involved anyone who sought them. Later, when Ebenezer Cooke had brot to light his tutor’s

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