Lizard Music by Daniel Pinkwater Read Free Book Online Page B

tomorrow,” said Pieter Breughel the Elder, also known as Milo Schtunk, a.k.a. Charles Swan, Hubert Van Eyck, Matthias Grunewald, Lucas Cranach, Jr., Herr Doktor Professor Horace Kupeckie, Plt.D.
    “Where’s that,” I said.
    “Umm, what’s tomorrow, Wednesday? Try the Reptile House, Hogboro Zoo, in the late A.M. ”
    “I’ll be there,” I said. “By the way, how much do you charge?”
    “That depends on what you want done.”
    “I want some things explained,” I said.
    “No charge for explanations,” the Chicken Man said. “However, there is a charge for guiding. I’m a licensed guide.”
    “What?” I said.
Buzzzz
—he had hung up.
    I finally got to see the end of the lizard show. They just finished playing and left—packed up their instruments and walked off, carrying the little black musical instrument cases. Then the camera showed the empty chairs for a long time.
    I guessed it was time to go to bed. I had a lot to do in the A.M. , as the Chicken Man said.
    “It’s time to play You Bet Your Duck!” a voice said. I jumped. It was coming from the TV set. The picture was still the empty chairs. “Yes, friends, You Bet Your Duck, the exciting lizard quiz!” The picture had changed. There was a lizard wearing a Donald Duck mask! “And here’s your old friend, the genial quizmaster, the Inept Eft!” the lizard announcer in the duck mask said. Another lizard in a duck mask came onto the screen. He was smoking a cigar through the mask. “Welcome, welcome to ‘You Bet Your Duck,’ ” the Inept Eft said, “and now, let’s meet our first two contestants.” Two more lizards wearing duck masks came out. The Inept Eft asked them their names.
    “Jim and Linda Lacerta,” they said. It was interesting listening to lizards talk. They sounded perfectly normal. Up to now, I had only heard them play musical instruments.
    “As you know, every correct answer is worth 75,000 Agama Dollars,” the Inept Eft said. “Twelve wrong answers in a row, and you lose the game.” I wondered what an Agama Dollar was. “And now it’s time to play You Bet Your Duck,” the quizmaster said. “The first question is, Who invented the telephone?”
    Jim and Linda Lacerta sort of whispered to each other. Then they turned to the Inept Eft. “Was it Salamander Graham Bell?”
    “Correct, for 75,000 Agama Dollars!” the Eft shouted. “Next question. Name a famous Spanish painter who was a lizard.”
    Jim and Linda whispered again. They were still whispering when the bell rang.
    “I’m sorry, there goes the bell,” the Eft said. “The correct answer is El Gecko. Remember, eleven more wrong answers in a row, and you lose the game. The next question is, Name the lizard who conquered the ancient world.”
    Jim and Linda went back to whispering.
    “Come on, now, this should be easy after the first question,” the Eft said.
    “Salamander the Great!” they both shouted at once.
    “Right, for 150,000 Agama Dollars!” the Eft shouted. The audience was clapping. I wondered why they all wore duck masks. I was getting a little bored—and tired. Except that everyone was a lizard wearing a duck mask, and speaking English, it was just a regular quiz show.
    “‘Red Scales in the Sunset’ is correct for 225,000 Agama Dollars!” the Eft was shouting. I wondered how many lizard programs were on late at night. I was starting to doze off with my chin on my fist. Every now and then it would slip off, and I would wake up suddenly.
    “I’m sorry, you should have known that. The answer is Newt Rockne,” the Eft said. My eyes were burning. My head was nodding.
    “She said, ‘Iguana be alone,’ ” Jim and Linda said.
    “Kee-rect, for 375,000 Agama Dollars!” the Eft said. I got to my feet. I felt as though I were walking on the bottom of a lake. My feet were like lead.
    “I’m sorry, it’s the Emperor Max Chameleon—
Click!
” I turned off the set and dragged myself to my room. I hadn’t slept in my bed for two nights,