Low by Anna Quon Read Free Book Online

she asked Adriana, who nodded. “Then maybe you can go to the washroom to clean yourself up.” Mr. Song held her by the arm as she put her legs over the side of the bed. She was wearing a johnny shirt, and the nurse thrust another clean one into her hands. She felt weak and hollow, her stomach aching from the retching. Her father’s eyes were on her. She closed the bathroom door and caught sight of herself in the mirror. Her mouth was a ragged, blackened “O”, her johnny shirt spattered with black. She looked pale as a ghoul.
    Adriana cried as she wiped the charcoal from her mouth and chin. She took off the johnny shirt and bundled it up. There was charcoal at the ends of her hair and on her fingers. She cleaned herself up as best she could, averting her eyes. When she glanced in the mirror, she imagined a horrified audience behind her. Head down, she made her way back to where her father sat.
    Ms. Song helped her back into bed. She turned on her side, away from her father’s eyes, and felt her own eyes burn, as another nurse quietly addressed him. “Dr. H is on his way,” she said and tapped Adriana’s arm lightly. “You’ll be alright, sweetie,” she said.
    Adriana knew this to be a lie designed to pacify her and her father. In fact, nothing would ever be alright again. She closed her eyes against the harsh fluorescents, the colourless floor tiles, the green curtains between her bed and the next, where someone’s laboured breathing rattled into an oxygen mask. She had never had a nightmare as hellish as this.
    After a minute, Adriana heard the curtain being pulled aside. It was a man in hospital greens and a hair net. “Mr. Song? And this must be Adriana,” he said. Dr. H had a British accent and looked soft in the middle with a slight stoop. “Can you turn over, Adriana?” he asked rather loudly. “I’m going to need to talk to you as well as your father.” Adriana hesitated for a split second. What if she simply refused to acknowledge the doctor’s request? But she was meek and despite the terrible darkness that grew like a tree inside her, her desire to please was stronger. She turned over slowly.
    The doctor smiled briskly and sat down in the chair next to Mr. Song. “Adriana, you gave your father a scare. I hope you’ll think twice before you do something like that again.” Mr. Song gently rubbed her arm. The doctor continued, “Your father tells me he has been concerned about you for several months. Do you know how long you’ve felt depressed?” Adriana had no idea—it seemed like forever. “Can you tell how long you’ve felt suicidal?” Adriana remembered the first time she thought about taking pills. Could it have been just a week ago?
    Dr. H gazed down at her. She squinted, wishing he couldn’t see her. “Are you still feeling like harming yourself or someone else?” he asked. Harming someone else? The thought made her panic. Did they really think she wanted to harm anyone besides herself?
    Dr. H waited a moment, but Adriana didn’t know how to answer. Mr. Song’s face was agonized. Adriana could see he was trying not to display any particular emotion and was struggling not to cry. Such a terrible thing she had put her father through. She covered her face with her hands.
    Dr. H adjusted himself in his seat, sighed in a slightly exasperated tone, and turned to her father. “Well, Mr. Song, it is my opinion that Adriana would be safest in the hospital. If you are willing, Adriana, I will refer you to the Nova Scotia Hospital where you will be assessed and hopefully admitted.
    Mr. Song was incredulous. “The mental hospital?” he asked. Dr. H nodded. “As I said, it is probably the safest place for her at the moment. If Adriana will agree to go, there will be no need for her to be admitted involuntarily. That would be preferable for all