Uschi! by Tony Ungawa Read Free Book Online

coherent sentences was off putting. Certainly not what George A. Romero had prepared him for. This was an extra feature Denny had no recollection of requesting the devil install in her. Never for a moment did he think he would receive a lovely walking dead companion he could hold long and meaningful conversations with.
    Not that Denny was all that accustomed to long, meaningful chitchat with anyone. Especially a girl.
    “Made her a feisty bitch. Gave her plenty of personality.”
    That was what Satan in the microwave warned only moments before he cut out. Was this what the devil meant? She certainly was feisty when it came to the lovemaking. And talking like she did sure was a strong indicator for plenty of personality. Or could be it was her brain and the special ingredients that went into its construction that gave her the gift of dialogue?
    Oh well, Denny figured, don’t be looking a gift horse too thoroughly in the mouth. He was getting a kick out of Uschi just the way she was. Yep, it was decided, personality was a good thing in a Satanic homemade zombie girlfriend.
    Uschi indulged in a diminutive, ladylike bite of her cheeseburger, chewed slowly, lips pinched tight together, swallowed, and immediately came to the conclusion that this alone weren’t going to get the job done. “Needs more seasoning.”
    Denny had an onion ring halfway to his mouth when he stopped and said, “I brought some ketchup.”
    “’Fraid that won’t have the kick I’m yearning for, either. You know, while you were gone I happened to have my head out the window for a moment and caught a whiff of a certain something I think is exactly what my burger is missing.” She set her food on the dashboard and then opened the door. “Be back in a flash.”
    “What? Where are you going?”
    Two spaces away from the El Camino was a parked dark 1979 Chevrolet Celebrity—that’s where Uschi was going. She got along in a quick Little Annie Fanny hop that caused all the sweet parts on her to bounce and sway in the sexiest ways imaginable. Her buoyant ultra platinum hair fanned out around her liberated from a graveyard face as four-inch-high platform shoes clomped on the pavement like a trotting horse’s hooves. Uschi reached into the Celebrity’s left rear tire’s wheel well. She grinned from ear to ear when she found what she was questing for, tugged until it came loose, and held it close to her as she hustled to return to the car.
    “Don’t worry,” she said when spotting the reaction on Denny’s face to what she had brought back with her. “I’m fairly halfass confident I know what I’m doing.”
    What Uschi carried in her hands was a big ol’ chunk of soggy roadkill. The late remains of an armadillo, to be precise on the subject. At least the ass end of an armadillo, everything on the poor little shell wearing critter from the mid thorax on up having been reduced to a gooey jelly substance that must’ve left a considerably vile stain behind on the road when the speeding Celeb’s wheel squashed it. Stringy loops of intestines were forced through its dilated asshole. The solid tail end had gotten stuck between the treads strong enough to be lifted up into the wheel well, where it became firmly lodged in there. Couldn’t have been any more than a day dead. The odor it produced and filled the cab with was positively savage. The soft underbelly was showing signs of trapped gas bloat and covered in a coat of coarse, springy hairs the color of mildewed bales of hay.
    Uschi picked out the gravel from the armadillo’s squished portion, and Denny started to get an idea of where this was going.
    He put his own dinner aside. “You look like you might need help. Let me hold your cheeseburger open for you.”
    “Well, looky there, you’re about as handy as pockets on a shirt. It does my heart good to see chivalry is not dead in Texas.”
    Uschi plunged her hand inside the dead animal. She went deep because she figured that’s where the best