Major Karnage by Gord Zajac Read Free Book Online

revolver of some kind. He popped open the
cylinder. The rounds looked like pill-shaped pink bubble gumballs. What the hell kinda ammo is this?
    A shout came from outside: “Officers clear!”
    A megaphone squawked: “Break out the Sudsy!”
    Karnage heard the beep-beep-beep of a vehicle reversing. He
raised the napkin dispenser to get a look. A giant gun turret rose
into view. Something slick and oily dripped from the barrel.
    “Chemical warfare! You bastards!” Karnage dove behind the
counter and swept stacks of napkins out from the bottom shelf.
    There was a shout from outside: “Sudsy in position!”
    Karnage rolled into the bottom shelf and pressed his body into
the corner.
    The megaphone squawked: “Fire!”
    There was a torrential whoosh, followed by an explosion of glass
and tables. The liquid blast slammed into the counter. Karnage felt
the cheap particleboard shudder under the impact. He prayed it
would hold. Sudsy gurgled and rioted over everything, like white
water rapids on steroids. Tables tumbled. Dishes shattered. Electrical
circuits shorted out. Dollops of Sudsy splattered Karnage’s back.
    The torrent stopped. A steady drip-drip-drip filled the gaping
silence. Karnage felt bits of Sudsy run down his straitjacket.
Karnage rolled away from the corner to survey the damage. Sudsy
flowed across the floor in great foamy blobs. He could hear the floor
drains struggling to suck it all down.
    Wet footsteps—like galoshes wading through mud—approached
the diner. They stopped. A voice barked out, “Clear!” The footsteps
started forward again. They’re comin’ for me , Karnage thought. They
think I’m done for and they’re comin’ for me! Well I ain’t goin’ down
without a fight!
    Karnage slid out from under the counter and crouched on the—
    —his feet slipped out from under him. Karnage fell hard on his
ass. Sudsy soaked through his pants.
    “Sonofabitch!” Karnage wiped his Sudsy covered hands on
his straitjacket. His hands shot straight down his jacket, near
frictionless. What the hell kind of chemical shit did these bastards dump
on me?!
    Karnage grabbed the counter and pulled—
    His hands slipped off. Karnage flopped down on his back.
    “What the GODDAMN HELL!”
    The footsteps squished closer.
    Karnage grabbed and yanked and pulled at anything within
reach. He slipped off everything. The footsteps grew closer. Karnage
braced his hands and feet against the walls. He slipped off, and spun
into the middle of the room, like a turtle on its back.
    “If I gotta make my last stand from here, then so be it.” Karnage
pulled the gun from his pants and—
    —the gun popped out of his fingers. It shot across the Sudsydrenched floor, ricocheted off a table leg, and disappeared from
sight.
    The doors burst open. A pair of Dabneycops marched in. The soles
of their boots were covered in a pink goo that sucked and pulled at
the floor with loud, wet, sloshing noises. The cops wore large tanks
strapped to their backs. Hoses ran from the tanks to large, oversized
nozzles in the cops’s hands. The nozzles were caked in pink goo.
    “Subject has been incapacitated,” the first one said.
    “Goober him.”
    Pink stringy goop slammed Karnage in the chest, propelled
him across the room, and slammed him into the wall. The goober
solidified instantly.
    “You may think you got me,” Karnage struggled against the
goober, “But I ain’t that easy to—”
    They fired again. Long strings of goober licked up and down
Karnage’s body, enveloping him in a pink cocoon of darkness.
    They got him.

CHAPTER THREE
    “You know what’s wrong with this world?” Charlie asked.
    “What, Charlie?” Darla was on her knees, scrubbing Sudsy off
the floor. Charlie was supposed to be scrubbing the walls. Instead
he stood in the middle of the diner, gesturing wildly with his brush.
    “A lack of respect for the working man, that’s what! We were just
getting by as it was, and