Matt Fargo by Dirty Japanese: Everyday Slang From "What's Up?" to "F*%# Off!" Read Free Book Online Page B

intending to make your jaw a permanent part of the curb, you might have one of those transcendental moments where you realize that Phish isn’t such a horrible band and that John Kerry wasn’t necessary a total pussy for leaving Vietnam to protest war—and before you know it you are saying one or more of the following in an Owen Wilson drawl:
    Don’t get your panties all in a knot.
atama o hiyashitoke
    Hey, calm the fuck down.
oi ochitsuke yo
    Dude, don’t loose your shit like that.
sonna ni kireru na yo
    Take a deep breath or something.
shinkokyū demo shiro
    You’re all worked up.
kōfun shisugi dayo

    Violence is bad.
bōryoku wa ikenai zo
    Give peace a chance, man.
heiwa ga ichiban sa
    I’m a pacifist.
watashi heiwa shugisha nandesu
    Forget about it, man.
hottoke yo
    I have nothing to do with this.
kotchi kankei nē yo
    Who really gives a fuck?
dōdemo īnjanē ka
    Stop it.
yamero
    Whatever, man.
katte ni shiro
    Call the cops.
keisatsu o yobe

Pigs
    satsu

    “Pig,” an old-timers’ and high-school wiggers’ word for “cop,” certainly doesn’t apply to all officers of the law. I use the word “pig” here (and the corresponding satsu, which
doesn’t describe actual swine) strictly to refer to Japanese cops, who belong to that special category of douchebag that is all douche and no bag. I mean, Japanese cops must have absurdly tiny dicks, because every one of them walks around like they’ve got something huge to prove. Maybe it’s because they didn’t get to go to college and have uninhibited sex, or maybe it’s just because they aren’t allowed to carry guns. Japanese cops are also totally racist, so watch out if you look the least bit foreign. If you happen to be black or Chinese, you might as well just start running the other way.
    The pigs are coming.
satsu ga kuru zo
    Run away!
nigero
    Oh, shit.
yabē
    It’s a biker cop!
shirobai da
    Hide the shit.
yaku o kakuse
    Act like you don’t know shit.
shiranpuri shiro
    I don’t know anything.
nani mo shiranainda
    Fucking cops.
porikō no aho

CHAPTER 7
    POPPY JAPANESE
    POPPU NA NIHONGO

Music
    ongaku

    Speaking objectively, I have to warn you that Japanese pop music is relentlessly horrendous crap. This is a quantified fact, but it’s also one of the world’s great mysteries. I mean, Japanese visual arts are uniformly amazing, right? Japanese fashion is light years ahead of everybody. Japanese cuisine is nothing less than delectable. And Japanese video games have invented the industry. So why is J-Pop so unlistenable? Oh yeah …They don’t have black people in Japan.
    Let’s listen to some…
. . .kikō ze

    Do you listen to…
. . .wa yoku kiku
     
    Do you know where can I hear some…
. . . o kikeru toko wakaru
     
    J-Pop
jē poppu
    At least it’s not reggaeton.
     
    Johnny’s Music
janīzu kei
    The Japanese version of “boy bands.” Arashi, Smap, V6, Kinki Kids—these NAMBLA posterchildren make the Backstreet Boys look like they actually have testicles.
     
    Indies
indīzu
    Has little in common with “indie rock.” Basically, it’s J-Pop that doesn’t have big-label backing. Mostly awful.
     
    Reggae
regē
    Even Japanese kids are rocking the dreads these days. Like white reggae, but even more misguided.
     
    Hip-hop
hippu hoppu
    Japan has produced some quality DJs—just don’t give them a mic, and everything will be cool.

    Jazz
jazu
    Japanese people have great taste in jazz—check out the Tokyo Blue Note.
     
    Soul
sōru
    Thank you, Japanese record labels, for reprinting all of my favorite albums. I really appreciate it, but will you stop charging me 3,000 yen a pop?
     
    Rock-n-roll
rokku
    The one genre that even Japan can’t fuck up. X Japan forever.
     
    Techno
tekuno
    Something tells me that Japan would be pretty good at this, but I don’t know because I don’t listen to poo.
     
    What bands do you like?
sukina bando wa
    Who’s your favorite singer?
sukina kashu wa
    Show me a cool Japanese band.
nihon no omoshiroi bando o