Middle School: Get Me Out of Here! by James Patterson Read Free Book Online

about twenty years ago. Yeah, that doesn’t sound too ridiculous.
    Inside the shop, there were three barber chairs lined up in front of a big mirror, but only one barber. I knew the second I saw him it had to be Hairy, since he was so… well,
hairy
. And huge too. He looked like Bigfoot with tattoos.
    “Pop a squat, kid,” he said. “I’ll be right with you.”
    “Oh. Uh… okay,” I said.
    I sat down in one of the regular chairs near the front and picked up a
Field & Stream
magazine. Even that seemed kind of weird to me. I hadn’t seen a single field, or a stream, since I’d moved to the city.
    But before I could even crack it open, Matty came strolling in from the street.
    “We got a line going,” Hairy told him. “You can wait if you want.”
    “Sounds good,” Matty said. Then he sat down a few chairs away from me like we didn’t even know each other. I was giving him the evil eye the whole time, but he was evil eye–proof. He just sat there holding a magazine upside down and watching to see what I’d do.
    Whatever
, I thought. I wasn’t going to turn back now. The other customer was already paying for his haircut, and Hairy was waving me over with this big pair of scissors in his hand.
    “Next!” he said.
    “Actually,” I said, “I just wanted to ask you about something.”
    Right away Hairy’s face went all mean, and those two bushy eyebrows of his turned into one big shrub.
    “This ain’t a library,” he said. “You want to pay for a cut, we can talk all you want. Otherwise, I got customers waiting.”
    I was pretty sure a haircut would cost more than thirty-five cents, which is what I had in my pocket. Meanwhile, my throat was starting to feel like a clogged drain.
    “Oh… um… I mean… I just wanted to ask if you knew—”
    “Did I stutter?” he said. Or more like roared. “Stop wasting my time, Shrimpo! I’ve got bills to pay!”
    I didn’t know what to say to that, but Matty sure did.
    “Hey, mister,” he said. “I’m just curious. What’s it like to be the world’s tallest butt-wipe?”
    That was pretty much the end of the conversation. Hairy came right for us then, looking like he was ready to kill. (And did I already mention those scissors?)

    One thing I’ll say for myself—I’m pretty fast on my feet. I hit that sidewalk in about half a second flat and didn’t stop running for the next six miles. Or maybe it was three blocks, I don’t know.
    Matty was still laughing when he caught up to me.
    “Did you see the look on that guy’s face?” he said. “Grumpiest barber ever, no contest.”
    I guess I could have been mad about him messing things up, but I was actually glad Matty was there. Besides, it wasn’t like Bigfoot Hairy was about to sit me down and break out the milk and cookies.
    “But I don’t get why he acted like that,” Matty said. “I thought he was related to you or something.”
    “Related to me?” I said. I figured Matty had to be joking, but he looked totally serious. “What are you talking about?”
    “His name was right there on the mirror, next to his picture. Didn’t you see that?”
    “What name?” I said.
    “Harold Khatchadorian,” Matty said. “Why didn’t you ever tell me you were part giant before?”

SPILLING (SOME OF) THE BEANS
    S o that’s when I told Matty everything.
    Well, not
everything
. I didn’t mention Leo. There aren’t too many people I trust in the world, besides Mom (and Leo, of course), but even if there were, I wouldn’t exactly start off by telling them about my imaginary best friend.
    Still, I did tell him about my dad, and why we went to Hairy’s, and even about Operation: Get a Life.
    I thought Matty might laugh or something when I was done talking, but he didn’t even flinch.
    “And you’re doing all that just so you can stay at Cathedral School of the Farts for another year?” he said. “How come?”
    “Don’t you like it there?” I said.
    “Compared to what? I mean, it’s better than