of little consequence.
Truthfully, it wasn't the fact that he was thirty that was making him feel so reflective and lost, even in the midst of all these people partying hard in celebration for him. Turning thirty wasn't a big deal. It should have meant more, but he didn't feel any different today than he had yesterday, or the day before. Sure, he could claim the experience that comes with being a man who had lived through his twenties. He'd seen a lot, done a lot. He'd made mistakes and taken chances, and he'd accomplished more than a lot of thirty year olds had career-wise. He'd lived, and was still living, a full life with people and work he cared about.
Yet, in most ways, in the ways that seemed to matter to the outside world, he didn't seem his age at all.
Hell, he didn't physically look thirty, he was still sharing an apartment with Nuke and Q, and he was still single and kid-less. So, to his parents at least, he wasn't acting his age either.
Still, that funny passage of time had caught him off guard. Fall had done its usual slow dance, until suddenly the air was cool and the leaves were dying their flamboyantly colorful death. One day was all it took for him to look up and see that things had changed after all. Jackie and Ian, and their son. His sister Olivia and her family. Even Chase and Trish were more serious now. The characters in the portrait of his life had shifted positions. The setting was different. The colors were changing. It was all so fucking sneaky.
He needed to get away. He needed air. Because he was pissing himself off.
He unraveled himself from the fray of smiles and jokes about Viagra and Depends. He really did have a sense of humor about it all. If he could get Nicole out of his fucking head he could even show it.
He stumbled out into the balcony of the favorite bar and grill hosting his party. The crisp, cool night nipped at his face in spurts, but the night was still surprisingly comfortable. Irony of ironies. A perfect night, a perfect party, a perfect life... and his mind had wrapped around the one thing in it that wasn't.
This wasn't a fucking movie. This wasn't a slow motion sequence. This was just life, just him having a birthday party that his ex just so happened to attend with her new boyfriend, because she was supposed to still be friendly if not his friend. People went through this shit every day, and as much as he'd like to believe this was a special circumstance, the truth was he was just clinging to residual feelings. Nothing deep or thought provoking in there. He just missed the way things used to be, when he didn't have to think past the moment and there was the promise that the next one with her would be even better. Times like this he had to remind himself how scared he had been about being close to her. Times like this he had to remember what he said to her when they realized it wasn't going to work.
We tried, sweetheart... we said we'd try...
That night they'd talked for hours. He'd explained everything. He’d told her everything she needed to hear and confessed everything he’d been scared to tell her. All of it was the truth. But there was one truth that sealed their fate.
When she asked where he saw them down the road, he couldn't answer. He didn't know and he didn't want to lie. He could have said all the right things, he could have told her he'd marry her and stay by her side forever. But the thought of not living up to those promises haunted him as surely as the whole mess with Meredith did.
He loved her. He'd told her so over and over while she cried and asked herself why it wasn't enough. As if she were blaming herself for wanting more of him.
And when she was done sobbing, breaking his heart by showing her how much he'd broken hers, she whispered the tragic words he sometimes heard when quiet moments and the past snuck up on him.
S-stay with me. Tonight. Just stay with me, please...
He'd kissed her, crying against her lips while she whimpered against him.
Truthfully, it wasn't the fact that he was thirty that was making him feel so reflective and lost, even in the midst of all these people partying hard in celebration for him. Turning thirty wasn't a big deal. It should have meant more, but he didn't feel any different today than he had yesterday, or the day before. Sure, he could claim the experience that comes with being a man who had lived through his twenties. He'd seen a lot, done a lot. He'd made mistakes and taken chances, and he'd accomplished more than a lot of thirty year olds had career-wise. He'd lived, and was still living, a full life with people and work he cared about.
Yet, in most ways, in the ways that seemed to matter to the outside world, he didn't seem his age at all.
Hell, he didn't physically look thirty, he was still sharing an apartment with Nuke and Q, and he was still single and kid-less. So, to his parents at least, he wasn't acting his age either.
Still, that funny passage of time had caught him off guard. Fall had done its usual slow dance, until suddenly the air was cool and the leaves were dying their flamboyantly colorful death. One day was all it took for him to look up and see that things had changed after all. Jackie and Ian, and their son. His sister Olivia and her family. Even Chase and Trish were more serious now. The characters in the portrait of his life had shifted positions. The setting was different. The colors were changing. It was all so fucking sneaky.
He needed to get away. He needed air. Because he was pissing himself off.
He unraveled himself from the fray of smiles and jokes about Viagra and Depends. He really did have a sense of humor about it all. If he could get Nicole out of his fucking head he could even show it.
He stumbled out into the balcony of the favorite bar and grill hosting his party. The crisp, cool night nipped at his face in spurts, but the night was still surprisingly comfortable. Irony of ironies. A perfect night, a perfect party, a perfect life... and his mind had wrapped around the one thing in it that wasn't.
This wasn't a fucking movie. This wasn't a slow motion sequence. This was just life, just him having a birthday party that his ex just so happened to attend with her new boyfriend, because she was supposed to still be friendly if not his friend. People went through this shit every day, and as much as he'd like to believe this was a special circumstance, the truth was he was just clinging to residual feelings. Nothing deep or thought provoking in there. He just missed the way things used to be, when he didn't have to think past the moment and there was the promise that the next one with her would be even better. Times like this he had to remind himself how scared he had been about being close to her. Times like this he had to remember what he said to her when they realized it wasn't going to work.
We tried, sweetheart... we said we'd try...
That night they'd talked for hours. He'd explained everything. He’d told her everything she needed to hear and confessed everything he’d been scared to tell her. All of it was the truth. But there was one truth that sealed their fate.
When she asked where he saw them down the road, he couldn't answer. He didn't know and he didn't want to lie. He could have said all the right things, he could have told her he'd marry her and stay by her side forever. But the thought of not living up to those promises haunted him as surely as the whole mess with Meredith did.
He loved her. He'd told her so over and over while she cried and asked herself why it wasn't enough. As if she were blaming herself for wanting more of him.
And when she was done sobbing, breaking his heart by showing her how much he'd broken hers, she whispered the tragic words he sometimes heard when quiet moments and the past snuck up on him.
S-stay with me. Tonight. Just stay with me, please...
He'd kissed her, crying against her lips while she whimpered against him.
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