Minister Faust by From the Notebooks of Dr Brain (v4.0) (html) Read Free Book Online Page A

field to disrupt the Eye…and the E-Baboons might ’ve been able to use a string-dimensional tunnel to get inside the Blue Pyramid. But neither should’ve had the power to kill him.
    “Of the Superheavyweights, Cosmicus seems unlikely—we would’ve detected his Nebulanaught approaching, just like we would’ve seen Ymir’s iceberg fleet if he’d reconstituted himself at the north pole. Warmaster Set’s vendetta is seven thousand years old…but there’s been no sighting of him or anyone else on that list since the Götterdämmerung. Of course, there’s always the possibility of L-Raunzenu.”
    A monstrosity of pure terror described in the Encyclopedia of F*O*O*J Adversaries, Vol. III (Revised) as “a cosmic culmination of a billion horrors, personified and transmogrified into a universal force of unstoppable, ravaging evil,” L-Raunzenu, in the most literal way possible, was everyone’s worst nightmare.
    But despite media fireworks about the threat posed by L-Raunzenu, fewer Americans were killed by that entity during its entire existence than the number of people in the same time period who died from rattlesnake bites or choking on chicken bones. And the L-Raunzenu death toll was simply insignificant when compared to, say, the annual human and financial cost of alcohol-and tobacco-related illness and morbidity.
    But, blinded by grief-induced obsession and paranoia, Kareem was oblivious to such basic logic.
    “Of course,” continued Kareem, “there’s also the matter of those supervillains who are accounted for. Who are on Asteroid Zed right now. Menton —”
    Everyone glared at him. He shut his mouth, realizing the enormity of his breach of etiquette.
    “Ve don’t speak his name…so idly, Kareem,” whispered Hnossi, narrowing her eyes. “Unt need I remind you zat he’s been in a Psionic Impotence Helmet for five years?”
    “I’m aware of that, Hnossi,” he said slowly. “But Ment—the Destroyer’s abilities were off the scale. Do we really know if a P-Imp hat could stop him?”
    Iron Lass rolled her eyes at Kareem’s abbreviation. He continued without regard for her disdain. “And on that exact same topic—”
    Knowing where he was going, the older F*O*O*Jsters reacted instantly.
    Hnossi: “Zere are certain lines zat even zey —”
    Wally: “Now, Kareem, I know what y’all’re about t’say, but lemme tell you suh’m—”
    Mr. Piltdown: “I don’t care what they were alleged to have planned—even you can’t seriously accuse them of striking out against our greatest—”
    “They went bad. Very bad,” said Kareem, too loudly. Then he whispered something inaudible.
    Behind him, massive shadow-sculptures, like a miniature Mount Rushmore, oozed into existence. Even in black, the busts were unmistakable: on the left, the elder, Gil Gamoid, with his thick neck, wild beard, wild eyes, and spike-teeth; and on the right, junior with his ram’s horns and flowing mane, the N-Kid. The two titans from the distant world of Ur-Prime, orbiting the mysterious quasar Q-939.
    “Yes, they were founding members of the F*O*O*J. Yes, they were great heroes. Once upon a time. But now they’re locked up wearing P-Imp hats on Asteroid Zed. Because they’re paranoid schizophrenics. Who were conspiring to commit mass murder.”
    “Zey were foundt not guilty—”
    “On account of being criminally insane, Hnossi? You call that a defense?” he sneered. “Hell, I rarely grok brain-to-brain with you people, but on this issue…you not only floor me, you basement me. Those two ‘heroes’ were planning to massacre all of you ! You Stone Agers aren’t exactly the most forgiving freaks in the circus, so why all this sympathy for Gil Gamoid and the N-Kid?”
    “Listen to me, Edgerton,” growled Festus. “And this will be more complex and nuanced than your minstrel show ever apparently gets, so listen closely—”
    “You hear that, Doc? Aren’t you gonna censure him? Well, if you’re not reporting