Mrs. Patty Is Batty! by Dan Gutman Read Free Book Online Page B

player.”
    â€œOoh, that’s scary!” said Mrs. Patty.
    Ryan was wearing his hockey uniform, and he had an ax sticking out of his helmet with fake blood running down the side.
    â€œDon’t tell me,” Mrs. Patty said to him.“You’re a zombie hockey player, right?”
    â€œHow did you know?” asked Ryan.
    â€œLucky guess,” she said. “What are you supposed to be, A.J.?”
    I was dressed up like a penguin who was wearing a space helmet that had an ax sticking out of it and fake blood running down the side. Penguins are cool.
    â€œI’m a killer zombie penguin from outer space,” I told her.
    â€œOoh, that’s very scary!” said Mrs. Patty. “Be sure to come trick-or-treating at my house after school. I’m going to have more candy than anyone in town. My address is 176 Norman Road.”
    â€œWe’ll be there!” I said.

    We were putting our backpacks into our cubbies when little Miss I Know Everything and her equally annoying cry-baby friend, Emily, came in. Andrea was dressed up like a ballerina, so of course Miss Show-off had to spin around on hertoes to let everybody know she could dance. What is her problem?
    Emily was dressed up like a queen. She had a crown on her head, and this long robe that trailed behind her on the floor. What’s up with that?
    â€œIt’s called a train,” Emily told us.
    â€œNo it’s not,” I said. “A train is something you ride in that goes choo-choo .”
    Everyone laughed even though I didn’t say anything funny.

    I thought those girls’ costumes were lame. They weren’t scary at all. It would have been a lot cooler if they had axes sticking out of their heads like us.
    â€œWhat are you boys supposed to be?” Emily asked me and Ryan and Michael.
    â€œNone of your beeswax,” I told her.
    â€œWe’re zombies,” Ryan said.
    â€œI don’t think children should be allowed to wear violent costumes on Halloween,” Andrea said.
    â€œCan you possibly be any more boring?” I asked her.
    â€œYou’re dumbheads,” said Andrea.
    â€œWe are not!”
    â€œAre too!”
    We went back and forth like that for awhile until I had to say, “So is your face” to Andrea. Any time anyone says something mean to you, just say “So is your face” to shut them up. That’s the first rule of being a kid.
    â€œHey, Arlo,” said Andrea. “I brought a present for you.” (She calls me by my real name because she knows how much I hate it.)
    Ryan and Michael started giggling.
    â€œOooooh!” Ryan said. “Andrea brought A.J. a present! They must be in love !”
    â€œWhen are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.
    If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.
    Andrea opened her backpack and took out a roll of toilet paper.
    â€œYou must have dropped this outside my house last night,” Andrea said. “I guess you were having a bathroom emergency.”
    I hate her. Why can’t a truck full of toilet paper fall on her head?
    Andrea handed me the roll. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I had to think fast.
    â€œI wasn’t at your house last night,” I lied. “I was at my class class.”
    â€œClass class?” she asked. “What’s that?”
    â€œIt’s a class that makes you better at taking classes,” I told her. “You should take it.”
    â€œThere’s no such thing as a class class,” said Emily.
    â€œHey Emily,” I said, pointing under her desk, “look under there!”
    â€œUnder where?” asked Emily.
    â€œHa-ha-ha!” I yelled. “Emily said ‘underwear’!”
    Everybody cracked up because I made Emily say “underwear.” It was hilarious. Any time you can get somebody to say “underwear,” you should get the No Bell Prize.
    â€œYou’re