New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer by Bill Maher Read Free Book Online

Liberals, stop saying you’re going to move out of the country because Bush won. Real Liberals should be pledging to stay because Bush won. Trust me, you can’t get away from Bush by moving to France—that’s where we’re invading next.
     

Historical Blindness
     

NEW RULE
     
    Not everything is a conspiracy. Black History Month is in February because Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass were born in February, not because it’s the shortest month. Here’s the deal: You accept this on faith, and we’ll pretend you didn’t completely make up Kwanzaa.

Holy Matrimony
     

NEW RULE
     
    Priests should be allowed to marry. What better way to ensure celibacy?

Holy Spirit
     

     

NEW RULE
     
    The government doesn’t have time to worry about cheerleaders. The Texas senate just passed a law against “overtly sexual” cheerleading. This is a horrible law. For one thing, how do these people think we train our next generation of strippers? I’m sorry, but the only time anyone in government should be spending time on cheerleaders is when his wife is away and he’s actually on a cheerleader.

Home Chopping Network
     

NEW RULE
     
    Beheading hostages has jumped the shark. Come on, guys, you’ve seen one blurry home video of a guy in an orange jumpsuit begging for his life, you’ve seen them all. You’ve got to come up with a new twist, like one of the hostages is gay but the others don’t know it, or the hostages compete for immunity ... something. By the same token, Donald Trump has to start firing people by sawing off their heads.

Homicidal Namiacs
     

     

NEW RULE
     
    No more serial killers with initials for nicknames, like the “bind, torture, kill” killer, BTK. It’ll just encourage copycats, like “BLT,” who kills you and then has a nice sandwich. Or “KFC,” who kills you and then places your body parts in a bucket. Or “ADD,” who starts killing you but then loses interest. Or “LBJ,” who kills you while holding you up by the ears. Or RSVP, who plans to kill you, but then calls and says he can’t make it ...

Hooked on Ebonics
     

     

NEW RULE
     
    Cut the shnizzle. We all know it’s hilarious when white people—especially old ladies—talk “street” on TV, but early reports indicate that every single network sitcom this season will feature at least one 8-year-old kid saying “shnizzle.” Attention all real rappers—you have guns for a reason. Use them.

Hysterical Blandness
     

NEW RULE
     
    Don’t type “lol” unless you really “laugh out loud.” Many Web chatters have picked up the annoying habit of typing “lol” after just about everything you say. “How are you?” “lol” “The pope died.” “lol” “I slowly peel back the waistband of my cottony-white briefs, unleashing my fully erect 9-inch pole.” “lol” Look, if I wanted a kiss-ass session where every thought I utter gets a big, phony laugh, I’d call a meeting with my writers.

Flee Circus
     

     

NEW RULE
     
    D on’t say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding. She’d be crazy if she wanted to spend the rest of her life servicing this goober.

     
    When I heard the news that a young bride-to-be had gone missing on a jog days before her wedding, I had the same thought everyone else did: Man, that Scott Peterson is good.
    Americans reacted to the so-called runaway bride by branding her as crazy for skipping town rather than marrying a Sunday school teacher in Duluth, Georgia. Ah, yes, the good life—the bake sales, the prayer meetings, the abortion protests—who could just walk away from all that? How come when the girl from Titanic ditches her fiance, it’s the greatest romance of all time, but when Jennifer Wilbanks does it, she’s a criminal loon with a case of temporary insanity? Temporary sanity is more like it. She was staring down the barrel of 14 bridesmaids and 600 guests in the Georgia heat watching a Baptist in a blue suit sanctify her sex life with