New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer by Bill Maher Read Free Book Online Page B

of the spiritual lift it will provide to troops and civilians alike when actual combat smacks the smirk off of Kevin Federline’s face and fills his low-hanging trousers with duty.
    In summation, you can’t advocate for something you wouldn’t do yourself. For example, I’m for fuel efficiency, which is why I drive a hybrid car and always take an electric private plane. I’m for legalizing marijuana, so I smoke a ton of it. And I’m for gay marriage, which is why—oh well, you get the point.
     

I Promise I’ll Be Yentl
     

NEW RULE
     
    Jewish people have to start having sex. The Jewish population in America dropped 5 percent in the last decade, which may explain why this country’s finances have gone to shit. Breed, you sons of Abraham—breed! We need you. Israel needs you. Kobe Bryant, Robert Blake, and Phil Spector need you. Plus, without Jews, who’s going to write all those sitcoms about blacks and Hispanics?

Inky Dinky Don’t
     

     

NEW RULE
     
    Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it, it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass and it translates to “Beef with Broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant.

Inside the Actors’ Ego
     

NEW RULE
     
    Stop calling acting a “craft.” What witches do is a craft. Those wallets that head-injury patients make are a craft. What you do is make us believe what isn’t so. You’re, you’re... a two-faced liar. And if you’re going to hand out awards for that, why snub the masters?

     

Internet Virus
     

NEW RULE
     
    You can’t notify people by e-mail that you’ve given them chlamydia. The San Francisco Health Department has a new service that lets you send an Internet greeting card to someone you may have infected with an STD: “Roses are red, orchids are gray, congratulations, you have hepatitis A.”

It’s Dead, Jim
     

NEW RULE
     

     
    Let TV shows die a natural death. Fans of the cancelled TV series Star Trek: Enterprise are trying to raise enough money on their own to pay for another season. It’s either that or go outside. So far they’ve raised $3 million, largely by not dating. Hey, Trekkies, if you really want to donate money to a lost cause, try MoveOn.org .

Sin-a-Plex
     

     

NEW RULE
     
    T here’s no such thing as Hollywood values. In honor of the Oscars, let me just say that every time I see some pundit say Hollywood is out of touch, I just want to take my big screen plasma TV, march it right down to the end of my private road, and throw it over the big iron gate!
    “Hollywood versus America” is a tactic that works well as conservative red meat, a continuation of the “Red State vs. Blue State” theme of the last election, where blue staters were convinced everything between New York and L.A. was one giant forest where Ned Beatty is constantly being sodomized by hillbillies, and red staters were told that people like me spend all our time performing abortions and figuring out new ways to desecrate the flag. Please, they’re just hobbies.
    Politically, it’s always been advantageous to divide people—to make America a place of warmongers versus wimps, elitists versus morons, gun nuts versus people with normal-size penises. Only problem is, it’s not true. Hollywood isn’t your cesspool, America; it’s your mirror. We made all those movies with the smirking sex and the mindless violence and the super-heroes beating the shit out of zombies because that’s what you wanted.
    It’s what the whole world wants. Movies are the one thing about America the rest of the world still actually tikes—America’s last export. I mean besides the torture. And even the ones being tortured are like, “Cool, this is just like in The Deer Hunter.”
    So to those who think that if we just put Leave It to Beaver back on, the gay people would come to their senses, I say this: Stop worrying. Hollywood won’t turn your daughter into a