No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday: A Very Funny Romantic Novel by Tracy Bloom Read Free Book Online Page B

class. Walking towards him. Fat.
    “Welcome, welcome,” boomed the lady in charge of the class, interrupting Matthew’s highly disturbed thoughts. She rose unsteadily out of her chair, her wobbly bits and greying hair the product of four pregnancies leading to four energetic boys aged from twenty-one to six. Her impressive child-bearing thighs stressed a pair of over washed black leggings whilst pink polka dots stretched over her ample bosom and bobbed around like buoys on a stormy sea.
    “I’m Joan and you must be Ben and Katy. Don’t worry, you’ve missed nothing really, just the usual toilets and fire exits stuff. Sit down, and now that we’re all here, we can do some introductions.”
    Ben and Katy took the last two seats, which were directly opposite Matthew. Matthew’s stunned glare was pointedly ignored by Katy, who refused to raise her eyes from the floor.
    “Right then, shall we continue? Now I know you all feel just a little bit awkward but please remember we’re all here to support each other. I have been running these sessions for many years and believe me you’ll all be firm friends by the end of it.” Katy stole a glance at Matthew. He stared straight back at her. She looked away instantly.
    “So let’s start by going round the room and you can each give your name, when the baby is due and tell us what your biggest concern is about childbirth,” said Joan.
    Matthew watched mesmerised as the man Katy had arrived with leant over and whispered into her ear.
    “I think I’ll just go and slit my wrists now. Wake me up when they get to the bit about fannies,” said Ben just loud enough for Matthew to hear.
    “Hi, I’m Rachel,” a sweet-looking girl muttered. “I’m due on the 1st of September and I’m most worried about knowing how to push and when.” She went bright red, clearly not used to talking in front of strangers.
    “Hello, I’m Richard and I’m most worried about making sure I know exactly what I can best do to help my wife,” he said, smiling at his wife reassuringly and squeezing her hand.
    “Fetch me a bucket,” muttered Ben a little too loudly.
    “And what about you?” said Joan gently to a girl in her late teens, clutching the hand of the boy next to her. “There’s absolutely no need to be shy, we are all in this together. Why don’t you just start by telling us your name? You don’t have to say anything else if you don’t want to.”
    “Well Joan, I’m Charlene,” began the girl, moving forward in her chair and adeptly flicking her shaggy, dirty blonde hair over her shoulder causing the numerous bangles on her wrist to jangle noisily. “And this is my Luke. And he is the father of my child,” she said proudly raising his hand with hers as if in a victory salute.
    “And when….,” started Joan.
    “We started going out when we were fifteen, when he walked me home from McDonalds after Jez Langton dumped me because I wouldn’t give him the toy out of my Happy Meal. I’m his only ever girlfriend aren’t I, Luke?” she said, nudging him. Luke stared at the floor and said nothing.
    “Well that’s wonderful. So when are…” Joan started again.
    “And we’re getting married aren’t we, Luke?” Charlene interrupted again. “As soon as I told him I was pregnant he went straight out a bought me a ring. I’m not kidding. He’s been just brilliant. He is the kindest most wonderful person you could ever meet, aren’t you, Luke?”
    Luke nodded at the floor.
    “Well that’s just wonderful Charlene,” said Joan. “I’m so thrilled that you are both embracing your pregnancy in this way. Now we do like to help our very young mums as much as we can and it so happens that next week we are all going out for a pizza, so we can all have a proper chat, you know in a nice, unthreatening environment, about anything that maybe on your mind.”
    “Which pizza place?” asked Charlene abruptly.
    “Well, err, I’m not sure,” replied Joan. “I guess it’ll be