Nothing Changes Until You Do: A Guide to Self-Compassion and Getting Out of Your Own Way by Mike Robbins Read Free Book Online Page A

in business when we will “win” and times when we will “lose” based on whatever “game” we’re playing and however we’re measuring our results. And while there is a real impact to the results that we produce, living life as if it’s a competition with everyone around us is a recipe for disaster.
    When we’re willing to let go of the ideas and decisions we made as kids and teenagers about who we are, and what makes us successful or valuable, we can step into a healthier version of competition that can truly empower and inspire us. It can help us move to new heights and depths in our relationships, our work, and our lives. Getting caught in the negative trap of comparison, while common and understandable, is a choice we make; it isn’t something we have to do. When we’re willing to notice our comparative tendencies, we can consciously choose to disengage in negative competition, and, more important, choose to appreciate and value ourselves in an authentic way.

CHAPTER 8
    Be Real, Not Right
    A few years ago, I delivered a seminar for a group at a technology company in Silicon Valley. After my talk, one of the participants told me privately a bit about what was going on with his team and asked if I would be open to speaking to his manager. His hope was that I could come in and help them address and resolve some of the issues they were having with trust and communication. I said yes, so he set up a phone call for me and his manager. When we spoke, the manager confirmed everything his employee had said, and we set a date for me to come back in and talk to his team.
    When I walked into the conference room with this group a few weeks later, I was taken aback. While there were just eight people sitting around a table, the tension in that room was palpable. Have you ever walked into a room where you could just feel the bad vibes and animosity right away? That’s how it felt in there; it was pretty intense.
    They wanted me to give a talk on teamwork, communication, and trust. I was more than happy to do that, since I love talking about these important topics. However, while they seemed somewhat interested in what I had to say, about 20 minutes into my speech the level of tension in the room finally got too distracting. So I stopped, looked at everybody, and said, “Listen, I can keep talking about various aspects of trust, teamwork, and communication, but I think what would be most useful is if we actually talked about what’s going on with you guys as a team.”
    I went up to the whiteboard in the conference room and drew a picture of an iceberg, which is the metaphor I often use when talking about authenticity and trust. I said, “I think there are some things down here below the waterline that aren’t being talked about. And, if you all are willing to express and expose some of what’s down there, it might make a difference not only for this conversation we’re having, but for each of you personally and for your team.
    “There’s an exercise we’re going to do now, and I’ll start. We’re going to go around the table and each of us will have a few minutes to speak. When it’s your turn, just repeat this phrase, ‘If you really knew me, you’d know … ,’ and then share anything you’d like to about what you’re thinking; how you’re feeling; or what you’re not saying in this moment—you know, the stuff that’s down below your waterline, so to speak. Then go a level deeper, using the phrase ‘If you really, really knew me, you’d know …’
    “I’ll go first,” I said. “If you really knew me, you’d know that I feel an enormous amount of tension in this room. I’m not even sure what it’s about, but it feels visceral. I literally felt it the moment I walked into the room. If you really, really knew me, you’d know that I feel scared to have this conversation with you guys. On the one hand, I’m worried that you won’t open up and talk about what’s really going on, which could