Odds and Gods by Tom Holt Read Free Book Online Page B

your eyes. The man just takes them from your hand and gives you a ticket.’
    ‘What’s a ticket?’
    ‘Just leave all the talking to me, all right?’
    ‘Ruddy funny way to go about things, if you ask me.’
    Osiris’ bad temper soon evaporated when he found that he was only charged half price, and after a few minutes it was obvious he was enjoying himself immensely. The way he kept yelling ‘Whee!’ and pretending to steer told its own story.
    ‘Will you stop that. People are staring.’
    ‘I’m used to that.’
    ‘Yes,’ Sandra whispered back, ‘but we want to be inconspicuous, remember. We’re escaping. Running away. Or had you forgotten?’
    Osiris had the good grace to look embarrassed. ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘Hasn’t really sunk in yet. I’ve been a lot of things in my time, but Most Wanted wasn’t one of them. Usually,’ he added, ‘quite the reverse.’
    ‘Really?’ Sandra searched in her bag for a peppermint. ‘I thought you gods were loved and worshipped.You know, revered and stuff.’
    ‘Revered, yes,’ Osiris replied. ‘Loved, no. All right, people say a lot of nice things to you when you’re a god, but it’s either because they want something or they’re frightened of getting a thunderbolt up the jacksie, not because they think you’re fun to be with. Masses of prayers and sacrifices, but nobody ever remembers your birthday.’
    ‘Gosh,’ said Sandra through her peppermint. ‘I didn’t even know gods had birthdays.’
    ‘Proves my point, doesn’t it? Should I be sitting here, do you think? Only it does say, Please give up this seat if an elderly or disabled person needs it .’
    ‘I think you qualify on both counts.’
    ‘Do I? Well I never. It must be very complicated, being a mortal.’
    It was one of those slow buses. From Sunnyvoyde, it meandered at the pace of an elderly glacier with corns past the Islands of the Blessed, across the Elysian fields, round the back of Valhalla - long since sold for development and converted into possibly the most nerve-jangling theme park and paintball game center in the cosmos - along the Nirvana Bypass to the Happy Hunting Grounds Park and Ride, where the bus suddenly filled up with dead Red Indians carrying shopping bags. Shortly after a brief stop at the Jade Emperor’s palace, Osiris fell asleep, and only woke up when Sandra tugged at his sleeve. He looked out of the window.
    ‘Come on,’ Sandra was saying, ‘the next stop is ours. I’ll get your wheelchair out of the rack.’
    ‘Hey,’ said the god. ‘Where is this?’
    ‘Wolverhampton.’
    ‘But it’s so ruddy small .’
    ‘You should have thought of that before. Like on the sixth day, for instance.’
    ‘That wasn’t me,’ replied Osiris, defensively. ‘That was the other bloke. Thing, name begins with a J.’
    ‘Up we get.’
    Although he never dared mention it to his priests for fear of causing immortal offence, Osiris had never been a great one for ceremony and fuss; but there are certain ways of going about things that are bred in the bone, and when a god visits Earth, he expects more of a welcoming party than a small child on a bicycle and a stray cat. Osiris sighed.
    ‘And people actually live here?’ he said.
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘How do they fit in those titchy little houses?’
    ‘We manage.’
    ‘Which way now?’
    ‘Actually,’ Sandra said, opening the gate and pushing the wheelchair through, ‘we’re here.’
    ‘Surely not.’
    ‘Look. If you’re going to be difficult we can turn straight round and go back. Just because you’re a god doesn’t mean you own the place.’
    ‘Well, actually . . .’
    ‘You know what I mean.’
    Sandra opened the front door, parked Osiris’ wheelchair in the small front parlour, and went through into the kitchen. From behind the kitchen door, Osiris could hear a buzz of voices. The door opened.
    ‘Mum,’ said Sandra, ‘meet Mr Osiris; he’s a god. Mr Osiris, this is my mother.’
    Sandra’s mother was a small,