On Little Wings by Regina Sirois Read Free Book Online Page A

of deep concentration, almost certainly trying to distract herself from the thoughts broiling in her brain.
    “Mama?” I only call her that when I am feeling particularly small and needy.
    “Uh huh?”
    I crawled up beside her and leaned my head against the headboard. “Good book?”
    “It’s fine.” She pulled off her black reading glasses, loosening the dark hair around her face and letting it swing freely.
    “I’m going to miss you tomorrow.” Other than short vacations with Cleo’s family and slumber parties, I had never been away from her. I’d never had anywhere else to go. She stared at the paisley pattern of her blanket and didn’t answer. “I just wondered if you want me to tell her” – I tried not to use Sarah’s name around her – “anything for you?”
    Her chin quivered, but she managed to keep an impassive face. I don’t know how we sense the difference between someone thinking and someone refusing to answer, but I knew she was thinking - hard. She blew a deep breath between her lips and moved her gaze to her hands resting on her book. “No. If I ever need to say anything, I’ll say it.”
    I put my head on her shoulder. “I’ll call … if you want me to.”
    “I do. I’ve just been wondering,” her words came slow, “I’m wondering how much to tell you before you go and this is my last chance and I still don’t know what to say.” I held my breath and waited but she only sighed. At last she continued, faster and louder than before, “She might tell you why she did what she did and it doesn’t seem fair that you will know and I won’t.” Her voice hardened. “The difference is that you might care why and I never did. Sometimes ‘why’ doesn’t really matter.”
    I swallowed timidly, “But maybe if you knew it would help you feel better.”
    She barked out a soft, mirthless laugh. “I don’t think so.” Her eyes traveled up the wall and she slumped back into her pillows. “Just think of how long five days are, Jennifer. How many things you can feel in five days. How much one person can stand to lose. If you ask her anything for me you can ask her how long she thinks five days are. Unless she has a different definition of five days than I do, I don’t think I have anything else to say.”
    “Five days? What was five days?” I surveyed her face, her eyes closed against the memory, her black lashes resting on the purple shadows under her eyes.
    “It was me burning in hell. I waited five days for her and by the time she got there I didn’t care anymore. It was like all my love for her just incinerated in the flames. I don’t know what good it does to claw through the ashes of something that used to be.” She pushed her fingers together and pressed them between her closed eyes.
    “What happened? Why were you waiting for her?” I whispered, feeling my stomach tremble with anticipation.
    “Because I needed her,” she stated baldly. “I was alone in the world and I needed her. She was all I had left after grandma died. But it’s over now. I’m free of all of it. Or I was.” Her eyes opened and she scrutinized me in confusion. “I still can’t believe you’re going. I keep thinking I will wake up and it will all go away.”
    My face went hot with guilt and I squirmed.
    “Call us. Tomorrow. Let us know you’re okay. Let us know you’re okay every day.”
    “I promise. I love you, Mom.” I kissed her head above her ear, feeling her soft hair in my face. She reached up to my cheek and pulled me close to kiss me back.
    “I love you, Jennifer. I’m sorry …” she opened her arms like she was trying to hold up the universe, “for the whole mess.” I shook my head to show her I needed no apology. I climbed off the bed and reached the doorway when her voice piped up quietly, “I’m not trying to abandon you by not going to the airport tomorrow. I just can’t. There’s something about watching you go.” She shuddered instead of finishing.
    “That’s