One Man Show by John J. Bonk Read Free Book Online Page A

directions:
     [Utter despair].
    “Why, such a union could save our entire kingdom!” Wally was stroking his fake beard with one hand and undoing the Velcro
     on his costume with the other. “But I shall not compromise my daughter’s happiness.”
    I popped back down. It had never occurred to me before how lame this play really was. Jeremy must be snoring by now. Why did
     Miss Honeywell have to pick such a dorky play?
    “ ‘Tis hardly a compromise,” Darlene said. “The Prrrrince is fair of face, and sweet words are said to flow like honey from
     his lips.”
    She’s prrrractically singing her lines. C’mon, pick up the pace, people!
    “Perhaps we should invite him to our midsummer festival,” Wally said as they headed offstage.
    “Forgive me, Your Majesty, but what midsummer festival?”
    “Exactly. Make the arrangements at once!”
    As soon as they hit the wings, Wally started changing into a different costume. I guess he was determined to work in all five
     his mom had made, or die trying.
    Cynthia droned on with her boring narration; the lords and ladies did their circle dance, which looked more like medieval
     bumper cars. I couldn’t wait until my next scene so I could liven things up.
    Enter the Prince to a fanfare of -
crickets? Leonard is so dead!
Felix Plunket really looked the part: tall, skinny, blond hair, blue eyes. He hit his mark center stage and stood tall, with
     his hands planted firmly on his hips.
    “Welcome to Galico!” I said, cartwheeling onto the stage. “Lengthy journey, my lord? If you don’t mind my saying so, Your
     Majesty looks a tad weary. And your fine robes smell -well, like the insides of a sick goat.”
    That got a laugh. Jeremy, did you catch that?
    “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of some unfortunate news for Your Princeliness. Let me see, how can I put this delicately?” I said,
     scratching my hat. “You’re late!”
    I sang my little song, dancing a lively jig around Felix.
    The festival is ending now,
    The mead is drunk; we ate the cow,
    It seems your trip was made in vain,
    So, on your horse and back again!
    Felix stood taller, looking even more princely, and stared into the audience.
    Jeez, he’s really milking it.
    “So, on your horse and back again!” I repeated.
    Nothing. He wasn’t acting - he was panicking! I tried to feed him his line without moving my lips.
    “Be. Gone. You. Oaf.”
    “B-b-b-buh…”
    His stutter kicked in, and a sweat ball dripped off the tip of his nose. Now
I
was panicking!
    “I know what you’re thinking,” I said, wiggling my fingers in his face. “’Be gone, you oaf! Or you’ll squash me like a caterpillar!’”
    “Young fool, away!” Wally shouted, stomping onto the stage. “That is not the proper way to greet a prince.”
    Saved by the Walrus. He had on a red tunic with brown spots. His mom must’ve reworked his pepperoni-pizza costume from last
     Halloween.
    “A thousand pardons, Your Highness,” I said, “but I -”
    “Hold your tongue, Dustin!”
    “What?”
    “I meant, Jingle Jangles.”
    Wally started cracking up. I socked him in one of the pepperonis.
    “Oww! What’d you do that for?”
    “And ten-times-a-thousand pardons to you, Prince Kris-pen,” I said to Felix, who was starting to wobble. Some Prince.
    “The Jester’s son is high spirited but surely meant no harm,”Wally said, strolling downstage. “Your visit to my kingdom is most welcome indeed.”
    As if things weren’t going badly enough, I noticed that the back of Wally’s tunic was tucked into the elastic band of his
     tights. And his dinosaur underpants were showing through!
    “Allow me to reveal our most magnificent sights!” he said, bowing low to Felix.
    The audience roared.
    I said my next line staring at the floor so I wouldn’t lose it. When I looked up, Wally was gone. Right in the middle of the
     scene!
    Now it was just me and the petrified Prince again - and a packed house, with Jeremy sitting out there, laughing with