Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino Read Free Book Online

Openness
    Freedom is one of the major draws of an open relationship. Many who
choose nonmonogamy appreciate the freedom they have to acknowledge their attraction to multiple people-whether they act on those
feelings or not.
    According to societal expectations, you might be single or dating,
but the inherent assumption is you're actively looking for "the one"
and want to "settle down." If you're living with someone, engaged, or
married, you're assumed to be monogamous. Within a committed relationship, the expectations get even more specific. Open relationships
can give you the freedom to create unique relationships, explore yourself and your sexuality, and challenge society's expectations.
    Putting limits on love is like putting a leash on me. Even if it isn't
tight around my neck, knowing it's there is enough... I like being
with my partners because I want to, not because I have to. -Juan
    Many people find themselves in relationships that just don't fit
the limited categories or definitions of mainstream society Rather than
trying to cram a nontraditional relationship into the framework of a
traditional one, nonmonogamous people want to redefine relationships,
commitment, fidelity, partnership-and even marriage-on their terms.
Arielle says, "Polyamory gives me the opportunity to have relationships
up and down the spectrum and appreciate them for what they are."
Sexual and Emotional Diversity
    Each person's sexuality is incredibly specific and unique. When you
meet a partner with whom you are sexually compatible, many of your
tastes and desires overlap. But that doesn't mean that everything is a
perfect match. When a sexual difference emerges, you could reject the
partner as not a perfect match and move on, or let your desire go
unfulfilled. Some people take a different route: they choose to explore
with other partners the sexual needs and wants that don't "fit" in their committed relationship with one partner. The notion of an open relationship often comes up when a significant difference between partners
emerges and must be addressed-for example, when she discovers her
bisexuality, or he discovers his desire to crossdress, and their partner
cannot or will not fulfill that particular sexual need.

    It's a common scenario for one partner to be kinky and the other
one not. Rather than ask one partner to deny his or her desire for
dominance and submission, or bondage, or different forms of sensation play, the couple agrees to open the relationship to accommodate
the attraction to kink. (In this discussion I use the term kink interchangeably with BDSM, an umbrella term that includes a wide range
of intimate activities-physical, sexual, psychological, spiritual, or a
combination-that usually involve an exchange of power. BD stands
for bondage and discipline; D/s for dominance/submission; S/M for
sadism/masochism, or sadomasochism.)
    Dani, who had been married for 10 years, saw a special on HBO
about BDSM one day. She got really excited and wanted to explore it.
Her husband agreed to give it a try, but he just didn't like it. As Dani
put it, "It was hard at first, but as soon as he came to an understanding of what I needed, and that he either couldn't or didn't want to give
it, then he said, `You need to find it someplace else."'
    Even if both partners identify as kinky, many of their specific likes
may not overlap. For example, one woman identifies as a Top (the
doer, the one who runs the scene); her partner is a bottom who loves
to be flogged and spanked, but really isn't into psychological playthey tried it a few times together and it just didn't work. Because they
have an open relationship, they are free to explore activities their partner doesn't enjoy. I've also witnessed relationships begin with one
dynamic, for example, Daddy/boy, only to change when the boy figures out one day that he's more of a Dominant (the person who is in
control or wields authority over the submissive). The