Our Gang by Philip Roth Read Free Book Online Page A

newspapers run all the photos of
    Boy Scout corpses they want-we'll just run a photo
    of this sign, and of the five thousand replicas that I
    have asked the Government Printing Office to run
    off by morning. We'll see who gets the support of
    the nation then.
    TRICKY: Look! I've stopped sweating!
    LEGAL COACH: See? You've weathered another crisis,
    Mr. President.
    TRICKY: Wow! That makes six hundred and one!
    (Congratulations all around, from everyone except
    the Highbrow Coach, who speaks now for the first
    time)
    HIGHBROW COACH: Gentlemen, I wonder if I may
    take a somewhat different approach to the problem
    that we have been assembled here to
    TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 51
    solve. All the while I have been listening to your
    suggestions, I have simultaneously been bringing to
    bear upon the problem all my brainpower, wisdom,
    academic credentials, cunning, opportunism, love of
    power and so on, and the result is this list that I am
    holding in my hand, of the names of five individuals
    and/or organizations upon whom I think we can
    safely-if I may use the vernacular for a moment-pin
    the rap. LEGAL COACH (his interest suddenly aroused,
    after initial suspiciousness of "the Professor"): The
    rap?
    HIGHBROW COACH: "The rap."
    LEGAL COACH: Which rap?
    HIGHBROW COACH: You name it. Inciting to
    riot. Tampering with the morals of minors. If you
    prefer, corrupting the youth of the nation.
    POLITICAL COACH: "Corrupting the youth."

Hey, that's got a real campaign ring to it! HIGHBROW
    COACH: And a certain historical resonance, I would
    think.
    SPIRITUAL COACH: At the risk of sounding "square,"
    may I put in a good word for "tampering with the
    morals of minors"? I've always found it to have
    tremendous appeal. It seems there is something in
    the word "tampering" that particularly infuriates
    people. LEGAL COACH: That may be, Reverend, but
    in my book you still can't beat "inciting to riot" for
    scaring the hell out of the public.
    52 OUR GANG
    TRICKY: 'And you, General? You look distressed
    again.
    MILITARY COACH: I am distressed again! I am
    distressed every time the Professor opens his
    mouth! What is this business of bringing charges?
    Oh, mind you, they're good charges and I don't
    have anything against them personally, but the last
    thing I remember we were talking about shooting
    the bastards.
    HIGHBROW COACH: General, despite your low
    opinion of intellectuals, I happen to have the
    highest regard for Army officers such as yourself,
    particularly in their devotion to their men and to
    their country. I wonder if once you have heard me
    read my list, you won't agree that to charge any of
    these five self-avowed enemies of America with the
    crime, to fix the responsibility for the uprising of
    the Boy Scouts on any one of them, will
    simultaneously absolve the Boy Scouts themselves
    of any real guilt, while totally discrediting the
    charges they have made against the President. The
    Scouts will retreat in panic...
    MILITARY COACH: But without our firing a shot!
    HIGHBROW COACH: The country isn't going away,
    General.
    TRICKY: Sounds interesting, Professor. But why only
    one of the five? That strikes me as highly unusual.
    HIGHBROW COACH: Well, perhaps, but I was
    TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 53
    just wondering if we haven't gone the route with
    the conspiracy business.
    TRICKY: Oh, but it's so much fun when you get to
    choose two or three. Each person picks his
    favorites-and then all the wheeling and dealing,
    until we come up with the conspiracy that suits
    everybody.
    LEGAL COACH: And, of course, Mr. President, to
    put in a word here in behalf of the cause of justice,
    the more choice you're allowed, the greater the
    chance of catching the right culprit. My feeling is
    that just to stay on the safe side, each of us should
    choose a minimum of three.
    SPIRITUAL COACH: I know I'm outside my baili
    wick again, but if it is going to improve the chances
    for justice being done, why can't we choose all five?
    MILITARY COACH: Mr.