Our Gang by Philip Roth Read Free Book Online Page B

President, I am growing
    more and more exasperated by the moment. Here
    we sit, in the comfort and spendor of this fully
    equipped underground locker room, in full football
    regalia, deliberating over the niceties of justice,
    while, with every passing moment, those Boy
    Scouts are readying themselves for battle against
    my men. I think it is high time we reminded the
    Professor that he is no longer up there in his ivory
    tower, where you can talk yourself blue in the face
    about this one's rights and that one's rights and
    how many rights fit on
    the head of a pin. There is an angry mob of Boy
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    Scouts out there, Eagle Scouts among them, and
    they are growing angrier and more threatening by
    the moment. I say shoot 'em and shoot 'em now!
    TRICKY: General, you are a brave soldier and a loyal
    American. But, I must say, I sense in your remarks a
    certain disregard for fundamental constitutional
    liberties such as I have pledged myself to uphold in
    my oath of office.
    MILITARY COACH: Mr. President, I have the highest
    regard for the Constitution. If I didn't, I wouldn't
    have devoted my life to fighting to defend it. But
    the fact of the matter is, we are playing with a time
    bomb. Right now it is still only the Boy Scouts. By
    morning, and I can guarantee you this, their ranks
    are going to be infiltrated by dissolute Brownies and
    Cub Scouts looking for adventure. Now it's one
    thing to ask my men to mow down Eagle Scouts; it
    is another for them to have to deal with little boys
    and girls half that size. Those kids can run like the
    dickens, and they're small. As a result, what right
    now would still be a routine street massacre, will be
    converted into dangerous house-tohouse fighting, in
    which we are bound to sustain heavy losses by way
    of our soldiers shooting mistakenly at each other.
    TRICKY: I think you know, General, that nobody
    wants to save the lives of our boys-b y that I mean,
    of course, our men-any more than I do.
    TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 55
    But I repeat: I will not do so by trampling upon the
    Constitution. I campaigned for this office as a strict
    constructionist where the Constitution of this
    country is concerned, and if I were now to take the
    course that you suggest and acted to prevent this
    group from voting in open and honest elections on
    the Professor's list, then the American people would
    have every right to throw me out of office
    tomorrow.
    And let me make one thing perfectly clear:
    nobody is ever going to do that again. They have
    thrown me out of office enough in my lifetime! I
    will not be cast in the role of a loser-of a war, or of
    anything. And if that means bringing the full
    firepower of our Armed Forces to bear upon every,
    last Brownie and Cub Scout in America, then that is
    what we are going to do. Because the President of
    the United States and Leader of the Free World can
    ill-afford to be humiliated by anyone, let alone by
    third- and fourth-graders who have nothing better
    to do than engage the United States Army in
    treacherous house-to-house combat. I don't care if
    we have to go ,into the nursery schools. I don't care
    if our men have to fight their way through
    barricades constructed of lanyards and hula hoops
    and bubble gum, under a steady barrage of toys
    being grossly misused as weapons-I, as
    Commander-in-Chief, will not run from the battle.
    Not when my prestige is at stake! If I have to call in
    air strikes
    56 OUR GANG
    over the playgrounds, I will do it! Let's see them try
    to bring down B-52's with their bats and their balls!
    Let's see them try to flee from my helicopters on
    those little tricycles of theirs! No, this mighty giant
    of a nation of which I am, by extension, the mighty
    giant of a President, will not have its nose tweaked
    by a bunch of little brats who should be at home
    with their homework in the first place!
    (All applaud)
    Now, as to the voting. Since I am a decisive man,
    as you can see from my book Six Hundred Crises, I
    am now