Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes by David Minkoff Read Free Book Online Page A

lift reached the ground floor and the doors were about to open, the girl suddenly slapped Morris’s face and said aloud, “I’m not that kind of girl. That will teach you not to pinch my butt!"
    Sadie and Morris didn’t say a word as they made their way to the car park. When they got in the car, Morris turned to Sadie and said, “You know, darling, I really didn’t pinch that girl.”
    “Of course you didn’t,” said Sadie smiling, “I did.”

    Two rabbis were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.
    “I didn’t sleep with my wife before I was married,” said one of them self-righteously. “Did you?”
    “I don’t know,” said the other. “What was her maiden name?”

    Sadie sits down next to an attractive man on the train and says, “You look just like my fourth husband.”
    The man replies, “Your fourth husband? So how many times have you been married, lady?”
    “Three,” replies Sadie.

    Old Jewish proverb:
    “A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she’ll never forget what she forgave.”

    Peter, John and Shlomo were in the clubhouse talking about the amount of control they each have over their wives. Peter and John are doing all the talking while Shlomo remains silent. After a while, Peter turns to Shlomo and says, “Well what about you, Shlomo, are Jewish men any different? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"
    “Well, just the other night, my wife Hetty came to me on her hands and knees.”
    Peter and John are amazed! “What happened then?”
    “Well,” replies Shlomo, “Hetty then said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.’ ”

    Hyman was a household efficiency expert and at the end of one of his lectures, he concluded with a note of caution. “Please don’t try these techniques at home.”
    “Why not?” asked Benny, who was in the audience.
    “I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” Hyman explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, oven, table and cupboards, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Darling, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’ ”
    “Did it save time?” Benny asked.
    “Actually, yes,” replied Hyman. “It used to take her twenty minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”

In-laws
    “I’ m so upset,“ said Benny to his rabbi. "I took my son-in-law into my clothing business and yesterday I caught him kissing one of the models!”
    “Have a little patience!” advised the rabbi. “After all, men will be men. So he kissed one of the models, so what, it’s not that terrible.”
    “But you don’t understand,” said Benny “I make men’s clothes.”

    Issy goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Benjy.
    He says to Benjy, “So, tell me, Benjy my boy, what do you do?”
    “I study the Torah,” he replies.
    “But Benjy, you are going to marry my daughter, how are you going to feed and house her?”
    “No problem,” says Benjy, “I study Torah and it says God will provide.”
    “But you will have children, how will you educate them?” asks Issy.
    “No problem,” says Benjy, “I study Torah and it says God will provide.”
    When Issy returns home, his wife anxiously asks him what Benjy is like.
    “Well,” says Issy, “he’s a lovely boy. I only just met him and he already thinks I’m God.”

    Two friends meet in the street. One says, “Is it true, Isaac, that your mother-in-law is ill?"
    “Yes.”
    “In fact, Isaac, I heard that she was in the hospital.”
    “Yes.”
    “How long has she been in the hospital, Isaac?”
    Isaac replies, “In three weeks’ time, please God, it will be a month.”

    Many years ago, a Jewish town had a shortage of single men of marriageable age and they used to bring them in from nearby towns. One day, when a suitable man arrived by train, not one but two mothers-in-laws-to-be were waiting for him and each claimed him for themselves. So the rabbi was called to sort it