Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes by David Minkoff Read Free Book Online Page B

out.
    After he heard the facts, he said to the two women, “If you still both want him, then we’ll have to cut him in half and each one of you can then have half of him.”
    One kept quiet while the other said, “In that case, give him to the other woman.”
    When the rabbi heard this, he immediately said, “OK, I agree. The other woman can have him. Anyone willing to cut him in half is obviously the real mother-in-law!”

    There was a time when Pharaoh was repeatedly breaking his promise to release the children of Israel from bondage in Egypt. So Aaron said to his wife, “You know Sarah, this Pharaoh is really turning out to be a first-class
momzer.”
    “Aaron,” said Sarah, “You mustn’t say such things. We are all one family Don’t forget we are all children of God, even Pharaoh.”
    “I cannot deny that this is true,” replied Aaron, “but this Pharaoh, he must come from your side of the family!”

    Sadie and Rose were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser having a chat. Sadie says, “So, Rose, how’s that daughter of yours?"
    Rose replies, “She’s OK, thanks. She married a fantastic man. He’s got such a good job in the City that she gave up her secretary’s job. She stays at home but never needs to cook, because he always takes her out, or clean the house, because he got her a maid, or worry about my two lovely grandchildren, because he got her a live-in nanny.”
    Sadie then asks, “And how’s your son?”
    Rose replies, “His life is awful. He married a bitch from hell. She never cooks anything and makes him take her out to dinner every night. God forbid she should vacuum a carpet, so she made him get her a maid. He has to work like a dog because she refuses to get a job and she never takes care of my grandson because she made him get her a nanny.”

Marital Strife
    Sadie tells Maurice, “You’re a
shmuckl
You always were a
shmuck
and you always will be a
shmuck!
You look, act and dress like a
shmuck!
You’ll be a
shmuck
until the day you die! And if they ran a world-wide competition for
shmucks,
you would be the world’s second-biggest
shmuck!"
    “Why only second place?” Maurice asks.
    “Because you’re a
shmuck!”
Sadie screams.

    Beckie and Morris had just had yet another of their fights. At the end of this one, she said to him, “You’ll be sorry, I’m going to leave you.”
    To which Morris replied, “Make up your mind, dear, which one is it going to be? It can’t be both!”

    Moshe had a fight with Sadie, his wife, and went to the movies to cool off. Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologize.
    “Hello, darling,” he said, “what are you making for dinner?”
    “What am I making, you bastard? Poison, that’s what I’m making, poison.”
    Moshe replied, “So make just one portion, I’m not coming home.”

    Morris was certainly not the most aggressive or demanding of husbands. During one argument with his wife, he told her, “We’re not going out tonight and that’s semi-final!"

    Moshe and his wife Sadie are having dinner at a nice restaurant in Brooklyn when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Moshe and says, “Hello Moshe.”
    Sadie immediately asks, “And who was that girl who just spoke to you?”
    Moshe replies, “Oh her, that’s my mistress.”
    “You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?” says Sadie.
    “About ten years, on and off,” answers Moshe.
    “Ten years?” says Sadie. “You bastard! I’ll see a lawyer tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see.”
    “Now hold on Sadie,” responds Moshe, “just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now. You won’t have our big house in Westchester, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won’t be able to play golf all day with your friends, you