Pieces of Him by Alice Tribue Read Free Book Online

actually looked worried that I might leave and never come back. I can’t say I blame her for thinking it, but things are different now. I made a promise to Jack that I would try, and I know it’s what Keri would want. Besides, I can’t do that to the kid, not now. I wouldn’t just leave him there.
    I brought Keri’s shit with me—her bag, her purse, and her clothes. I seriously contemplated throwing it all in the nearest dumpster, and then I thought about that fucking dream I had and what she’d said.
     
    He’ll never know me if you don’t tell him.
     
    That shit stuck with me. It got to me because I didn’t know my mother. The bitch left when I was two years old because she was addicted to drugs, and that’s about all I know. As I was growing up, I would have loved to have something of hers. I would have wanted some kind of connection to her. I figured I could go through Keri’s shit and save a few things for Xander. Even if I don’t end up keeping him, I can send it off with him to wherever he goes. I lost my shit when I started going through her things and came across the journal again, and as I picked it up, a letter fell out. It was folded up and Xander’s name was written across the back. I should have left it alone, put it away for him so that he could have it when he got older. That was my mistake. I sat on the couch, unfolded it, and read it.
     
    Dear Xander,
     
    I wanted to write you this letter so that you would know what it was like and how I felt prior to your arrival. From the minute that I found out you were coming, I knew I had to let you know how much I love you. I knew that I would spend the rest of my life showing you and telling you how much you mean to me. I’ve never been this happy in my entire life because I’ve always known something was missing. A part of me that wasn’t completely full until the minute I found out about you. I’m so excited for the day that I finally get to hold you in my arms.
    My heart is filled with so much joy and anticipation for what the future will hold. Halloween costumes and pumpkin picking. Christmas tree decorating and letters to Santa. Easter egg hunts, birthdays, and lots of sports. I promise to do the best I can to give you all of those things and more. You and I will be a family. We’ll always be a family and nothing and no one can ever change that.
    So no matter what happens in your life, no matter how many failures or how much success you achieve, I want you to always know how important you are. It doesn’t matter if we’re together or apart; my love for you will keep us connected forever. I never believed in miracles until I found out about you. Now, I believe.
     
    I love you,
    Mom
     
    I finished reading the letter and very carefully folded it back exactly the way she had done it and put it back inside the journal. Clasping my hands behind my head as I rocked back and forth, I tried to keep my emotions in check. It wasn’t working. So instead, I got up, leaving the journal on the couch. I picked up the lamp on the side table and hurled it across the room. I watched it crash against the wall and shatter into pieces all the while thinking I wasn’t the only broken thing in the room. Something in me absolutely fucking broke when I read that letter, and whatever pieces of me were left after Keri’s death were obliterated right along with that lamp. That very thin string holding me together has snapped in half, and the pain that I’d been trying to keep at bay came flooding in. I thought about how it felt to grow up without my mother. How I would have given anything, anything at all, to have someone take care of me the way Keri wanted to take care of this kid. It made me hurt for me, for her, for our boy. I’d never felt pain like that, never thought that sorrow could cause a physical ache like what I was feeling at that moment. The fight I was putting up against that onslaught of pain was the only thing keeping me from going off the