Pieces of Him by Alice Tribue Read Free Book Online Page A

rails. Physically, I couldn’t cry; I couldn’t let the tears go, so instead, I screamed as loud as I possibly could. It was violent and guttural, and I felt it as it tore through me. There was pure fury in me; it was intense and it was bigger than I was. A growing anger replaced my grief and sadness. An anger with a greatness that I’d never felt before and all rational thoughts went out of my head. That was when I went on a fucking rampage. I think I may have even blacked out as I threw everything within reach. I flipped over anything that was too heavy to throw, and for the grand finale, I put my hand through a wall in the living room. It wasn’t enough to make me feel better, but it was something. It was enough to calm the beast trying to fight its way out of me. It was enough to make me feel alive, and I needed to feel alive. I needed to distance myself from death because death was all I could see. I was hyperventilating by the time I’d finished redecorating my place. Looking around, I was satisfied with my work and got the fuck out of there. The last thing I did was to throw open the door, slam it shut behind me, and blow out of the building. I vaguely recall a girl standing in the hallway looking completely horrified as I brushed past her. Oh fucking well.
    I drove around for a good half an hour before finally pulling into the parking lot of the hospital. I get out and go around to the other side of the car, open the rear door, and pull out the black and gray car seat that Keri made me buy last month. After I bought it, she wouldn’t stop nagging me about installing the thing in my car, ultimately using her mouth on me as a way to bribe me into doing it. Yeah, I’m a fucking asshole. I make my way into the hospital thinking that most dads make this walk with a smile on their face. I probably look like a criminal about to walk into a police station to turn themselves in for murder.
    When I make it to the maternity ward, I go directly to the room I’ve been staying in to tackle the paperwork that the nurses wanted me to read through and fill out before I left this morning. Amongst them sits the birth certificate form and I just stare at it. What would happen if I didn’t fill it out? What would happen if I didn’t put my name down on that paper? If I didn’t claim my own son? What kind of man would that make me?
     
    Keep him safe, keep him with you
     
    Fuck you, Keri , I think as I grab the pen and begin to fill out the form.
    “We’re just waiting for the doctor to come in and sign off on Xander’s discharge papers.”
    I look up and Nurse Marie is leaning in the open doorway with her legs and arms crossed. Her eyes on me, she’s staring at me thoughtfully.
    “Thanks,” I tell her before bringing my attention back to the form. There’s silence in the room for a while. Long enough that I almost thought she’d gone away. Then I hear her say, “You’re going to be fine.”
    “Am I?” I ask, never looking up from my paper.
    “Yes.”
    I sign my name on the form, toss the pen on top, and look up at her. “It’s good one of us is sure.”
    She’s been here since the beginning, silently pressuring me to step up to the plate, to step up for Xander. She should know that I’m not sure. She should know that she’s put her faith on an unknown bet.
    “You know how to pick him up. You know how to cradle him. You know how to make his bottles and feed him. You know how to burp him and change him. You know how to care for the circumcision site. We went over how to bathe him last night, but you also know not to give him a real bath until the umbilical cord falls off. What else do you need to know?”
    How to love him, I think. Not because I don’t want to love him, but because I literally don’t know how. I don’t know how to feel what I’m feeling for him, how to embrace that shit because no one ever gave it to me.
    “You know how to keep him happy and healthy, Max. That’s what is most important.