Plum Pie by P. G. Wodehouse Read Free Book Online

world of me and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me. Suppose, for instance, somebody had done me down in a business transaction, Porky would spring to the task of plucking him limb from limb like some innocent little child doing She-loves-me she-loves-me-not with a daisy. Good night, good night," said Jas Waterbury, and rang off.
     
    I would have preferred, of course, after this exceedingly unpleasant conversation to have gone off into a quiet corner somewhere and sat there with my head between my hands, reviewing the situation from every angle, but Aunt Dahlia was now making her desire for explanatory notes so manifest that I had to give her my attention. In a broken voice I supplied her with the facts and was surprised and touched to find her sympathetic and understanding. It's often this way with the female sex. They put you through it in no uncertain manner if you won't see eye to eye with them in the matter—to take an instance at random—of disguising yourself in white whiskers and stomach padding, but if they see you are really up against it, their hearts melt, rancour is forgotten and they do all they can to give you a shot in the arm. It was so with the aged relative. Having expressed the opinion that I was the king of the fatheads and ought never to be allowed out without a nurse, she continued in gentler strain.
    "But after all you are my brother's son whom I frequently dandled on my knee as a baby, and a subhuman baby you were if ever I saw one, though I suppose you were to be pitied rather than censured if you looked like a cross between a poached egg and a ventriloquist's dummy, so I can't let you sink in the soup without a trace. I must rally round and lend a hand."
    "Well, thanks, old flesh and blood. Awfully decent of you to want to assist. But what can you do?"
    "Nothing by myself, perhaps, but I can confer with Jeeves and between us we ought to think of something. Ring him up and tell him to come here at once."
    "He won't be home yet. He's playing Bridge at his club."
    "Give him a buzz, anyway."
    I did so, and was surprised when I heard a measured voice say 'Mr Wooster's residence'.
    "Why, hullo, Jeeves," I said. "I didn't expect you to be home so early."
    "I left in advance of my usual hour, sir. I did not find my Bridge game enjoyable." "Bad cards?"
    "No, sir, the hands dealt to me were uniformly satisfactory, but I was twice taken out of business doubles, and I had not the heart to continue."
    "Too bad. So you're at a loose end at the moment?"
    "Yes, sir."
    "Then will you hasten to Aunt Dahlia's place? You are sorely needed."
    "Very good, sir."
    "Is he coming?" said Aunt Dahlia.
    "Like the wind. Just looking for his bowler hat."
    "Then you pop off."
    "You don't want me for the conference?"
    "No."
    "Three heads are better than two," I argued.
    "Not if one of them is solid ivory from the neck up," said the aged relative, reverting to something more like her customary form.
    I slept fitfully that night, my slumbers much disturbed by dreams of being chased across country by a pack of Fairy Queens with Jas Waterbury galloping after them shouting Yoicks and Tally ho. It was past eleven when I presented myself at the breakfast table.
    "I take it, Jeeves," I said as I started to pick at a moody fried egg, "that Aunt Dahlia has told you all?"
    "Yes, sir, Mrs. Travers was most informative."
    Well, that was a relief in a way, because all that secrecy and A-and-B stuff is always a strain
    "Disaster looms, wouldn't you say?"
    "Certainly your predicament is one of some gravity, sir."
    "I can't face a breach of promise action with a crowded court giving me the horse's laugh and the jury mulcting...Is it mulcting?"
    "Yes, sir, you are quite correct."
    "And the jury mulcting me in heavy damages. I wouldn't be able to show my face in the Drones again."
    "The publicity would certainly not be agreeable, sir."
    "On the other hand, I thoroughly dislike the idea of paying Jas Waterbury two thousand pounds."
    "I can