Practical Demonkeeping by Christopher Moore Read Free Book Online

Perhaps you believe that you will be transformed into a toad. You hide your fear well, Augustus Brine.”
    Brine smiled. He was baffled and amused; it didn’t occur to him to be afraid.
    The Arab drained his cup and dipped it into the surf to refill it.
    “Please call me Gus,” Brine said, his hand still extended. “And you are?”
    The Arab drained his cup again, then took Brine’s hand. His skin had the feel of parchment.
    “I am Gian Hen Gian , King of the Djinn , Ruler of the Netherworld. Do not tremble, I wish you no harm.”
    “I am not trembling,” Brine said. “You might go easy on that seawater—it works hell on your blood pressure.”
    “Do not fall to your knees; there is no need to prostrate yourself before my greatness. I am here in your service.”
    “Thank you. I am honored,” Brine said. Despite the strange happenings in the store, he was having a hard time taking this pompous little man seriously. The Arab was obviously a nuthouse Napoleon. He’d seen hundreds of them, living in cardboard castles and feasting from dumpsters all over America. But this one had some credentials: he could curse in blue swirls.
    “It is good that you are not afraid, Augustus Brine. Terrible evil is at hand. You will have to call upon your courage. It is a good sign that you have kept your wits in the presence of the great Gian Hen Gian . The grandeur is sometimes too much for weaker men.”
    “May I offer you some wine?” Brine extended the bottle of cabernet he had brought from the store.
    “No, I have a great thirst for this.” He sloshed the cup of seawater. “From a time when it was all I could drink.”
    “As you wish.” Brine sipped from the bottle.
    “There is little time, Augustus Brine, and what I am to tell you may overwhelm your tiny mind. Please prepare yourself.”
    “My tiny mind is steeled for anything, O King. But first, tell me, did I see you curse blue swirls this morning?”
    “A minor loss of temper. Nothing really. Would you have had me turn the clumsy dolt into a snake who forever gnaws his own tail?”
    “No, the cursing was fine. Although in Vance’s case the snake might be an improvement. Your curses were in Arabic, though, right?”
    “A language I prefer for its music.”
    “But I don’t speak Arabic. Yet I understood you. You did say, ‘May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense,’ didn’t you?”
    “I can be most colorful and inventive when I am angry.” The Arab flashed a bright grin of pride. His teeth were pointed and saw-edged like a shark’s. “You have been chosen, Augustus Brine.”
    “Why me?” Somehow Brine had suspended his disbelief and denied the absurdity of the situation. If there was no order in the universe, then why should it be out of order to be sitting on the beach talking to an Arab dwarf who claimed to be king of the Djinn , whatever the hell that was? Strangely enough, Brine took comfort in the fact that this experience was invalidating every assumption he had ever made about the nature of the world. He had tapped into the Zen of ignorance, the enlightenment of absurdity.
    Gian Hen Gian laughed. “I have chosen you because you are a fisherman who catches no fish. I have had an affinity for such men since I was fished from the sea a thousand years ago and released from Solomon’s jar. One gets ever so cramped passing the centuries inside a jar.”
    “And ever so wrinkled, it would seem,” Brine said.
    Gian Hen Gian ignored Brine’s comment. “I found you here, Augustus Brine, listening to the noise of the universe, holding in your heart a spark of hope, like all fishermen, but resolved to be disappointed. You have no love, no faith, and no purpose. You shall be my instrument, and in return, you shall gain the things you lack.”
    Brine wanted to protest the Arab’s judgment, but he realized that it was true. He’d been enlightened for exactly thirty seconds and already he was back on the path of desire