Rant by Chuck Palahniuk Read Free Book Online

the tracks, the smoke blows wedding streamers and junk. A white lace veil soggy with blood. A red rosebud boutonniere.
    Allan Blayne ( Firefighter): The minute I opened my yap, I knew what I said sounded stupid. What I said to the girl. This job, the worst accidents, I go into automatic pilot.
    The situation was a two-car scenario: Vehicle Number One is parked at a railroad crossing, waiting for a freight train to pass. According to witnesses at the scene, Vehicle Number Two rammed the parked vehicle and allegedly forced it against the side of the passing train. Vehicle Two then continued to travel forward in a straight line, colliding with the train. Both automobiles underrode the train’s wheels and were crushed and dragged a distance of approximately four hundred feet.
    Tina Something: I know all the EMTs, ’cause of working for Graphic Traffic, and when Wax stops to rubberneck, I yell out to this guy I know with an emergency-response service. I ask him what’s up, and this EMT says I wouldn’t believe it if he told me. Some chick’s still alive inside the wreck, all her clothes burned off but not a scratch on her. Shaking his head, this EMT says, “Not even a long fingernail busted.”
    From the Field Notes of Green Taylor Simms ( Historian): The chief argument against the possibility of time travel is what theorists refer to as the “Grandfather Paradox”; this is the idea that if one could travel backward in time one could kill one’s own ancestor, eliminating the possibility said time traveler would ever be born—and thus could never have lived to travel back and commit the murder.
    In a world where billions believe their deity conceived a mortal child with a virgin human, it’s stunning how little imagination most people display.
    Neddy Nelson ( Party Crasher): You want I should risk telling you about Historians? You know what happens when a fellow spreads those rumors?
    What? You can’t think up a faster way to get us both killed?
    Shot Dunyun ( Party Crasher): Besides Reverse Pioneering, becoming a Historian is the other secret guilty dream of every Party Crasher.
    From the Field Notes of Green Taylor Simms: One theory of time travel resolves the Grandfather Paradox by speculating that, at the moment one changes history, that change splinters the single flow of reality into parallel branches. For example, after you’ve killed your ancestor, reality would fork into two parallel paths: one reality in which you continued to be born and your ancestor did not die, and one branch in which your ancestor died and you would never be conceived. Each revision one made in the past, the subsequent new reality it created, theorists refer to as a “bifurcation.”
    Neddy Nelson: Don’t you think the biggest, richest fuckers in the world aren’t Historians? And you really think they want the rest of us to know that? These rich fucks? Don’t you think they can’t fake their dying every six decades or so, then transfer their money and property to their new identity?
    From the Field Notes of Green Taylor Simms: Within Eastern or Asian spirituality exists the concept that only an individual’s ego ties him to the temporal world, wherein we experience physical reality and time. Within this concept, enlightened beings recognize this self-imposed limitation and attachment to the immediate world, and can choose to free their consciousness and travel to any place or period of history. With apologies to Mr. H. G. Wells, one requires no time machine. Anyone can relocate throughout history or space simply by relaxing his grip on his current reality through meditation and spiritual growth.
    Neddy Nelson: You think anybody smart is going to tell about Historians? As much as I’ve already said, what do you think that says about my smarts?
    From the Field Notes of Green Taylor Simms: A third possibility does exist, although it’s never been widely discussed. Aside from bifurcation and time travel via a freed consciousness, this