Reinventing Rachel by Alison Strobel Read Free Book Online Page A

them.”
    Rachel managed a smile. “True.” She took a deep breath and quickly listed the events of the nightmarish week she’d had so far, eyes focused on the inventory list she was marking. She didn’t have to see Cora’s face to know what it looked like—the sounds of surprise she made were plenty descriptive. “Rachel, I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.”
    Rachel shrugged and began to stack the napkin packs into a dry box. The less she talked the better grip she was able to keep on her emotions.
    “Is there anything I can do?”
    Rachel gave a mirthless chuckle. “I don’t think so, but thanks.”
    “Can I pray for you? Here—” Cora nudged the stock-room door shut. “Let’s pray together.”
    Rachel gripped the pack in her hand. “You know, normally I’d jump at that, but I’m a little angry at God right now. I’m not really sure I want to talk to him.”
    Cora was silent for a moment, then said, “I understand. I’d be mad too.”
    The dangerous thoughts she’d been having for the last few days began to form on her tongue. She knew she should keep her mouth shut, but Cora was as good a sounding board as anyone else, and if she didn’t start hashing these thoughts out now, they were going to eat her up inside. “You know, it’s not just that I’m mad at God. It’s like … why bother praying, even? I just wonder if it’s like talking to a wall. Maybe it always has been. I’ve been pretty disciplined, pretty devout, since I was a little kid. And you’d think all these years of it would add up to some kind of … I don’t know … immunity. Maybe one of these things should have happened—no one’s life is perfect, right? But all three, in less than a week? What did I do wrong?”
    Cora was frozen in the path of Rachel’s rant, and when she spoke, Rachel could tell she was searching for just the right words to say. Her caution grated on Rachel a little. “I totally see where you’re coming from,” Cora said. “But … I don’t think it works that way with God.”
    Rachel threw the napkins into the box harder than she meant to. “Well why not? What kind of God says, ‘Hey, thanks for the love. You did really good for the last twenty years, but I’m going to ruin your life anyway’? What kind of father does that, especially one who’s supposed to be perfect?”
    Cora shook her head slowly. “I—I don’t know, Rachel. I know you’re hurting—”
    “No, this isn’t just about hurting. Hurting has just made things start to seem obvious. I mean, honestly—what’s the point? If you don’t get protection, if you don’t get some kind of divine insight that shows you the lessons to be learned or the way this situation can be used for good, then what’s the point of all the obedience and the sacrifice and the dying to flesh and all that crap? What does it get me?”
    Cora’s face was flushed, and for a brief moment, Rachel felt bad for dumping on her. But then Cora said, “But … God is good, Rachel,” and Rachel lost all sense of guilt.
    “I’m not so sure. In my estimation, He’s either an insensitive, promise-breaking jerk, or maybe … maybe He’s not there at all, and we’ve just made him up.” Rachel couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. But somehow, they felt really good to say. “Either way,” she continued, “why should I bother? If He’s a jerk, then He’s not the God we’re taught to believe in, which means the whole belief system is suspect. And if it’s all just make-believe, then …” She shrugged. “Maybe we should just pack in the whole thing and give it up. Either way, right now He’s not doing what He’s supposed to be doing, and it’s not making me real eager to keep working my butt off to be acceptable to him.”
    “Wow.” Cora was the one avoiding eyes now. She crushed the ruined box with careful steps. “So … that’s it, then? You’re done with God?”
    Rachel ran her hands over her face and