Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures by Ayala Malach Pines Read Free Book Online Page A

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    ■ expresses admiration of a movie or television star?
    Shirley Glass and Torn Wright, who wrote extensively about the trauma of infidelity, note that the severity of reactions varies greatly among betrayed spouses. Some appear to take it in stride and others respond catastrophically. The intensity of the betrayed spouse's traumatic reaction seems to be related to the assumptions that spouse had regarding a mutual cormnitmenI to monogamy in the relationship (Glass & Wright, 1997).
    Appreciation of a good-looking movie star is not associated with shattered assumptions about the marriage and does not represent a real threat. Consequently, it does not trigger jealousy in most people. People who are jealous even in such a situation are "abnormally" jealous. People who are not jealous even when their mate has a lover either no longer value the relationship or else are "abnormally" nonjealous.
    Clearly, the situation most likely to produce jealousy is one's mate having a lover. But it turns out that there are variations even here.
    Would you (or do you) experience jealousy when:
    ■ Your mate announces he or she has fallen in love with someone else and is thinking about leaving you?
    ■ your mate has a serious, long-term love affair?
    ■ your mate has an affair, but assures you it is a result of his or her need for variety and in no way affects your relationship?
    ■ your mate is open to, and frequently has, casual sexual experiences?
    ■ you discover that your mate recently had a "one-night stand"?
    ■ you discover that your mate had a love affair many years ago, when the two of you were already a couple?
    ■ you discover that your mate had a love affair many years ago, before the two of you were a couple?
    ■ you discover that your mate had a love affair many years ago, when the two of you were already a couple, with a person who is now deceased?
    ■ you discover that your mate had a love affair many years ago, before the two of you were a couple, with a person who is now deceased?
    Everyone who answered these questions described the most intense jealousy in response to a mate announcing that he or she has fallen in love with another person and is leaving. This is the nightmare that triggers the most intense jealousy, even in situations that don't really pose this kind of threat. The reason is obvious. This situation represents the ultimate threat to a love relationship-its painful, unwanted, and unexpected end. In one of my jealousy workshops, a woman told what happened when she found herself, unexpectedly, in this exact situation:
    My husband came home one night looking very grim. When I asked him what the problem was, he said he had fallen in love with another woman, that he had been having an affair with her for a while, and had finally decided to leave me and go live with her. I went wild. I jumped at him and started hitting his face with my bare hands. He is much bigger and stronger than I am, but there was no way he could stop me. I didn't stop until his face was covered with blood.
    Years after the incident, she was still not over it. She shook and sobbed as she was describing it, still unable to comprehend how she, a calm, sane, nonviolent person, could have done what she did. My clinical experience seems to suggest that the situation she was in is the most likely to produce violence. The person who is left for another is pushed against the wall without a recourse to prevent the impending catastrophe. The violence is a response to the helpless frustration, pain, rage, and despair.
    For most people questioned, the idea of their mate leaving them for another was almost too much to contemplate. Other situations involving a current affair-even a casual one-night stand-also caused intense jealousy. On the other hand, an affair that happened many years ago, especially if it happened before they were a couple, caused little or no jealousy.
    The reason? This kind of an affair no longer poses a threat to the