Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures by Ayala Malach Pines Read Free Book Online Page B

relationship. On the rare occasions when it does-as in the case of the wife who doesn't stop telling her new husband how wonderful her late husband was-it is likely to trigger jealousy. This is true despite the fact that the "other person" no longer presents a "real" threat to the relationship.
    A past relationship can cause a "perceived" threat even without such an obvious provocation. A woman described her jealousy when seeing her husband's ex-wife for the first time:
    We were sitting in the football stadium waiting for the game to start when my husband said, "There's Meg," and pointed to a woman who sat across the aisle from us. I fell the blood rush to my head and thought I was going to faint. The fact that they had a terrible divorce that happened before my time didn't matter. All I could think about was that they used to be high-school sweethearts, something we could never be, and that he was madly in love with her in those early days.
    Even an affair that happened many years ago with a person who is now deceased can cause jealousy, despite the obvious fact that this person can't possibly present a real threat. This happens when the dead person poses a threat to the quality of the relationship.
    A powerful example of just such a situation is described in James Joyce's short story "The Dead" (Joyce, 1969). After a lavish dinner party, Gabriel is feeling amorous toward Gretta, his wife. But she is distracted; a song played at the party reminded her of a young man she knew in her youth. Gabriel, who wants to get her out of her strange mood so they can make love, is feeling a twinge of jealousy:
    I Ic tried to keep up his tone of cold interrogation but his voice when he spoke was humble and indifferent.
    -1 suppose you were in love with this Michael Fury, Gretta, he said.
    -I was great with him at that time, she said.
    Her voice was veiled and sad. Gabriel, feeling now how vain it would be to try to lead her with what he had purposed caressed one of her hands and said also sadly:
    -And what did he die of so young, Gretta? Consumption, was it?
    -l think he died for me, she answered.
    A vague terror seized Gabriel at this answer as if, at that hour when he had hoped to triumph, some impalpable and vindictive being was coming against hinm, gathering forces against him in its vague world. But he shook himself free of it with an effort of reason and continued to caress her hand.
    Gabriel's reason tells him that he has nothing to worry about. Yet lie knows full well that the dead Fury (what a great choice of both men's names) has defeated him in the battle for Gretta's love.
    Just as a past relationship can still present a threat, embarrassing circumstances in which an affair is discovered can pose an additional threat not only to the relationship itself, but also to the image that the couple presents to other people.
    How much jealousy would you experience in each one of the following situations: no jealousy at all? moderate jealousy? extreme jealousy? Once again, these are all situations that actually happened to people.
    You discover that your mate has a love affair and
    ■ your mate is extremely indiscreet, a scandal erupts in the middle of a big party, you are cast in the role of the betrayed lover, and are expected to respond?
    ■ your mate is extremely indiscreet, a scandal erupts, you are cast in the role of the betrayed lover, and hear about it when you are alone?
    ■ everyone else but you has known about it for a long time, but no one has said anything?
    ■ everyone knows about it?
    ■ only you and few close, trusted friends know?
    ■ your mate is very discreet, the three of you are the only ones who know, and they know that you know?
    ■ your mate is very discreet, no one else knows, and your mate doesn't know that you know?
    Based on the responses of those surveyed, the worst trigger of jealousy is not the situation in which a scandal erupts in the middle of a big party. A woman who found herself in this