Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs Read Free Book Online

your father really use that thing anyway?”
    Vickie jumped up out of her chair. “Yeah, he used to shock people and everything. C’mon, it’ll be a wicked blast.”
    Natalie rolled her eyes and turned to me. “We might as well, there’s nothing better to do.”
    It was hopeless to protest. Although I hadn’t known Vickie and Natalie for very long, I had already learned that I had no control over anything that happened when I was around them. Once, at the doctor’s office, they opened the window and threw sardines down at people on the street. They would have thrown the coffeemaker out the window too, if Hope hadn’t stopped them just in time.
    Gene Rayburn placed his hand on the contestant’s shoulder in a consoling fashion and I got up off the sofa and followed Vickie and Natalie into the hallway.
    Vickie turned on the light. It was a bare bulb, attached to a gilt bronze fixture bolted to the wall. The walls in the hallway were covered with brown burlap. I found the burlap a fascinating and original wall treatment, and I didn’t mind at all that it was ancient, peeling and dusty.
    “Whoa, look at this motherfucking thing,” Vickie said as she dragged the box out from under the stairs.
    Natalie kicked it gently as if to check for signs of life.
    I leaned forward and peered into the box. It resembled my father’s shortwave radio, except it had wires coming out of it. And two large dials. “It’s weird,” I said, intrigued.
    “Help me carry it,” Vickie ordered, bending over.
    Natalie and I both leaned over and took the other end. Although Natalie could easily have done it herself, I felt I had to help her, to be useful. We carried it back into the TV room and set it on the floor in front of the couch.
    “Now what?” Natalie said.
    I absently brushed at the front of my dress slacks.
    “Okay now, you guys. We gotta set it up. So Augusten, you’re the patient and Natalie, you’re the nurse.”
    “I’m not gonna be any cunt-licking nurse,” Natalie snapped.
    “Well you sure-as-shit are not gonna be the doctor.”
    “I’ll be the patient. He’ll be the nurse,” Natalie said.
    I felt my face flush, both horrified and certain that I would be the nurse. “I’ll be the nurse,” I said, just wanting to get on with it. “I don’t care. Let’s just start.”
    “Nursy,” Natalie teased.
    “Should I take this off?” I said, meaning my navy blazer that I had worn because I was visiting a doctor’s house.
    Vickie scowled. “That thing is so queer. You should just chuck it.”
    “Why are you always so dressed up anyway?” Natalie said.
    “I don’t know,” I said. I was instantly mortified and slipped the blazer off, tossing it carelessly onto the wing chair.
    Natalie dove onto the sofa, stomach-first, then turned on her back. Her arm hung off the couch and the back of her hand touched the floor. “What’s wrong with me then?”
    “Here,” Vickie said, lifting up the machine.
    I picked up the other end and we hoisted it out of the box.
    “ What’s wrong with me? ” Natalie, cried louder.
    We set the machine on the floor and Vickie kicked the box out of the way. It knocked against the TV. “You’re psychotic,” she said.
    Natalie grinned. “Okay, I can be psychotic. I’m a paranoid schizophrenic.” She fluttered her eyelashes. “Just like Dottie Schmitt.
    Vickie made a face. “Oh, God. She’s disgusting. Did you know she’s so filthy that Agnes has to peel her bra off for her?”
    Natalie gasped. “Where did you hear that?”
    “It’s true, Agnes told me herself.”
    “Who’s Dottie?” I said.
    “And then Agnes has to scrub under her tits with a sponge to get rid of all the scum.” Vickie shrieked, grossing herself out.
    They laughed.
    “Who is she?” I said again.
    “She’s one of Dad’s crazy patients,” Natalie said. “You’ll meet her.”
    I will? I thought. Why?
    This is when Poo Bear ran into the room, naked and shrieking. Poo was about six years old, the son