Sausagey Santa by Iii Carlton Mellick Read Free Book Online Page A

next to Santa’s sleigh. Santa is wearing a giant rocket pack and has swords and laser cannons strapped to him. Decapitron is still wearing her reindeer fetish outfit but she has large candy canes holstered to her back where the twins used to be.
    I push my way through the elven crowd towards them. “Decapitron!” I cry.
    When I arrive, she has no idea who I am.
    “It’s me,” I say, taking off the cabbagey hood.
    “Fry?” she says. “What the hell happened to you?” “The stupid elves shrunk me,” I say. “So I can fit into this
    suit.”
    “What the hell kind of suit is that?” she asks.
    “It’s a cabbage suit,” I say.
    “What’s it do?” she asks.
    “I have no idea,” I say.
    She frowns at my new size and taps me in the chest with her toe, pushing me back. Now she hardly needs to use any strength at all to knock me around.
    “Where’s the twins?” I ask.
    She turns around to show me them sleeping in the back of Santa’s sleigh.
     
     
    I turn around to see Tea and Boon standing next to me. Tea’s skin is still glowing lavender. She stands a little too close to me. I want to ask her how the suit works, but I don’t want my wife to know that I’ve been hanging around with her just in case she knows why elven skin changes color.
    Tea smacks my butt when Decapitron isn’t looking.
    I am so going to get annihilated.
     

 
    CHAPTER SEVEN
    DISEASE TRAIN
     

 
     
    Decapitron, the twins, Santa, myself, and five elves ride in the sleigh. They make me sit in Santa’s lap to make room for some of the elves. A lavender elf with a white Burt Reynolds mustache sits in Decapitron’s lap. When I see him my head jerks a double-take and then I notice how cozy and friendly the two of them look together.
    “Why are you all purple?” I ask Burt Reynolds Elf.
    He and Decapitron just laugh at me like it’s an in-joke. Then she vulture-smiles at him.
    I’m glad I cheated on her while she was dead.
     
     
    The rest of the elven army take their own transports, which are all made out of lightning like Santa’s sleigh. But they are all different shapes and sizes. Some of them are shaped like sea serpents coiling through the air. Others are like squids. Others are starfish-shaped. Some, like the seahorse-shaped transports, carry only a single elf. Others, like the turtle-shaped transport, can carry dozens of elves. All of their lightning transports seem to be shaped like sea creatures.
    “Fight for Christmas! Fight for Christmas!” the elves on the other transports chant.
    The manager elves, like Boon and Tea, are on their own  ships. They have to lead the troops into battle. I wish they were here to explain my cabbage suit. I don’t care if Decapitron sees me talking to Tea anymore.
    I look up at Santa.
    “Do you know how this suit works?” I ask Santa.
    “What that be?” he asks.
    “A cabbage suit,” I say.
    “Never heard of it,” he says.
     
     
    Besides Burt Reynolds Elf, there are four other elves in the sleigh. Three of them are males and one female. Of the males: one has a pig nose, one has a big white unibrow, and one has his sleeve rolled up so he can show off a tough skull tattoo on his arm. As for the female, she has very long white hair and Asian eyes.
    Santa’s lap is strangely comfortable. His sausage thighs are squishy and form-fitting around my butt. However, there is an odd havarti smell rising out of him that makes my nostrils shudder.
     
     
    A storm cloud comes towards us as we pass over New York City. The twins are looking over the edge at the bright lights of the city. Their cotton candy hair blows in the wind.
    “Arrr, this might get a bit bumpity,” Santa says as we approach the storm.
    The cloud opens up and dumps piles of snow onto the streets below.
    “Hmmm . . ” Santa says, squinting his eye-olives at the storm.
    The cloud poofs up into a big round pillow of white and then a face forms inside. Black eyes, a black mouth, and a fluffy nose with a Hitler mustache