Sausagey Santa by Iii Carlton Mellick Read Free Book Online

Dungeons and Dragons stuff,” I say.
    Their faces droop into sadness.
    “Something more hi-tech,” I say. “At least a gun.”
    “Regular bullets won’t be very useful,” Tea says. “What you need is a flamethrower.”
    “We can give him the cabbage suit,” Boon says.
    “Yeah,” Tea says. “The cabbage suit will fit good.”
    “Cabbage suit?”
    “It’s the perfect weapon,” the pixie elf says. “Though . . . hmmm . . . it’s not designed for humans.”
    “The shrinkulator!” Boon says.
    “Yeah,” Tea says. “The shrinkulator will make it fit.”
     
     
    Tea and Boon pick out swords, spears, and shields for themselves and then take me upstairs to another section of the facility. This area is wide open and mostly empty except for large white machines sticking out of the walls. Boon snaps his finger and tries to spin on his heel to change directions, but with the bulky armor he doesn’t come off as very sly. He goes through a door on the right to get the cabbage suit. Tea takes me over to a group of tables and picks up a big black device that looks kind of like a glue gun.
    “Okay, hold still,” Tea says.
    She points the gun at me and turns it on. I jerk as a white beam shoots out of the gun into my chest. Looking down, the beam isn’t causing any damage. It just makes my skin feel all tingly.
    I look up at the elf and see that she is growing. No, wait, I am shrinking. She sprays me with the beam of light until I am the same size as her, then she turns it off.
    “Wait . . .” she says.
    She turns it back on and shrinks me another three inches, so that I’ll be shorter than she is. Then she smirks at me.
    “Very funny,” I say.
    “Now you’re elf-size,” she says. “The cabbage suit should fit perfectly.”
    “Why didn’t you just grow the cabbage suit to fit my size?” I ask.
    “Because we have a shrinkulator,” she says, holding up the device. “We don’t have a growulator. There’s no such thing.”
    “Then how are you supposed to grow me back to my normal size?” I ask.
    “Hmmm . . .” She looks up at the ceiling and scratches her chin. “I guess you can’t.”
    “What do you mean I can’t? I’m stuck this way forever?”
    “Yeah, but I’m stuck this size forever, too.”
    “But you’re an elf . . .”
    “Look,” she says. “You have more important things to worry about right now, like rescuing your children from a satanic Nazi snowman. Besides, you’re probably going to get killed anyway.”
     
     
    Boon returns with the cabbage suit. It looks like a wetsuit made from elephant skin. It’s gray and very wrinkled.
    As he hands it to me, an alarm sounds.
    “Time to go,” he says.
    “Already?” Tea asks.
    The elves shake the uniform at me until I take it and put it on over my clothes. I tighten the hood around my face and Boon gives me a thumbs up.
    “Come on,” he says. “Let’s go.”
    They race to the exit, leaving me standing here.
    “So how does this thing work?” I yell.
    They are too far ahead to answer.
     
     
    I walk alone back to the train, getting lost in all the identical corridors. Eventually I run into some elves and follow them to the movie theater where another Burt Reynolds movie plays on the screen. Elves must love Burt Reynolds.
    As I board the train, random elves push me out of their way to get through. None of them realize it’s the sly man in this cabbage suit. None of them are treating me like the hairdo hero anymore.
    I hate being small.
    On the train ride outside, I look for Tea and Boon but they aren’t in my car. They never told me how to work the cabbage suit.
    What the hell does it do, anyway? It’s just a big wrinkly baggy suit.
    I ask the white-bearded elf sitting next to me, “How does it work?”
    But he just frowns at me like I’m some kind of elven retard.
     
     
    When I exit the train, the elf army has gathered in the frozen moonlight.
    My wife, Bald Elf, and Sausagey Santa are standing in the center of the crowd