Sausagey Santa by Iii Carlton Mellick Read Free Book Online Page B

dangling off the end.
    “It’s a trap!” Santa screams, as the cloud face opens up its mouth and blows a gust of wind at our fleet of ships.
    The sleigh dives down under the gust, but several transports get hit. A lightning sea turtle tips over and dozens of elves tumble through the wintry night. The fleet scatters. Lightning stingrays and seahorses slice through the air around us as we dive down between the buildings.
    The giant head of Frosty comes after us. It lowers down into the city and squeezes through the New York high-rises, spitting hundreds of snowballs at us like a Tommy Gun. A lightning shark crashes into a building on our right and explodes. A lightning squid plummets toward the street from above, tentacles flailing as it falls.
    “Ye bastard! ” Santa cries at the giant fluffy blob.
    The lightning sea creatures crash and explode all around us. The snowy New York streets are littered with their flaming husks, as well as the mutilated bodies of a hundred elves dressed in Dungeons and Dragons outfits.
     
     
    We have only one advantage: the cloud moves very slowly.
    “Full speed!” Santa yells to Bald Elf who drives the big electric serpent-shaped transport.
    Bald Elf nods as seahorse ships spin sideways through the air around him. He pushes forward on his  joystick controls, which I guess are what steer his ship. As the snaking vehicle speeds up, a tumbling lightning crab beheads the serpent and Bald Elf is vaporized in the explosion. The passengers on the lightning snake shriek as it coils down to earth.
    Santa whacks the reins and his deer speed up, pulling us far away from the Hitlery storm cloud.
    I look back. Only half a dozen ships are left behind us. Tea’s squid ship is still afloat, but I don’t see Boon.
    In the distance, Frosty’s giant head-shaped cloud curls its mouth downwards. Then a long smoke hand extends out of the top of his head and forms the devil sign, as he evaporates over the city.
    “It’s a good thing those elves are immortal,” I tell Santa.
    “Nay, me boy,” Santa says. “Elves be as mortal as you. They live long, but they die as good as any being. Only I and Frosty be the eternals in this war.”
     
     
    Our broken fleet makes it to Antarctica without another incident. Unibrow Elf tells Santa that Boon’s ship, as well as several other ships, are still in the air. Most of them were scattered in different directions and got off course. Boon says he will rally them back together and meet us at the South Pole.
    Over Antarctica, we pass a collection of crystal train tracks that hover in midair.
    “What are those?” I ask Santa.
    “Those are for the disease train,” Santa says.
     
     
    The disease train carries dead bodies from America into Antarctica. Frosty uses his power over winter winds to pull the bodies of those buried in sky graves down into the Antarctic. The bodies are then put on disease trains and brought to the South Pole.
    Once the corpses are frozen in the Antarctic climate, they can be possessed by coffee birds. Then they can join the ranks of the F.N.S.A. (Frosty’s Nazi Satany Army).
    The train is up ahead, chugging on its tracks. It’s so high off the ground it looks like it’s flying.
    “There it be,” Santa says.
    He squishes one of his Vienna sausage fingers into a button on the dashboard. Loud bursts echo against the side of the sleigh and then two lollypop rockets shoot out from underneath us. They fly across the crystal tracks and then explode upon impact.
    The disease train catches on fire and drops from the sky, disappearing into the white powder below.
    “There it go,” Santa says.
     
     
    I’m freezing by the time we arrive at the South Pole. The cabbage suit doesn’t provide any extra warmth and Santa’s heater is breaking down.
    The frozen city of the South Pole is much bigger than the elven city of the North Pole, but it is even more drab and dark. Instead of elves, this city is populated by hundreds of F.N.S.A. zombies and