Scruffy - A Diversion by Paul Gallico Read Free Book Online Page A

and surprise and the Brigadier’s unfamiliarity with the whole subject. Confronted with letters on his desk in the proper form and headed, APES; NECESSITY OF CAGES FOR, or APES FEMALE; STRAW FOR COMFORT OF, or even APES; SUGGESTIONS FOR SALT WATER COOLING SYSTEM FOR CAGES WHEN CONSTRUCTED , and which all began properly with “May I respectfully call to your attention, sir, the need . . .” or “It is respectfully requested in the interests of the ape colony, Gibraltar, that . . .” the Brigadier, who had other problems on his mind, and assuming that this was normal procedure for a new O.I.C. taking over, ordered these requests stamped “Approved” and forwarded on to the Colonial Secretariat.
    This department not wishing to stir up a rather notoriously cantankerous Brigadier likewise put on an “Approved” seal and sent them along out of their ken, the damage ultimately winding up in the Controller’s office.
    One immediate result was that the menus of the monkeys were augmented with imports of fresh foodstuffs until they offered almost the variety to be found à la carte at the Savoy. The apes grew fat and almost contented, and Lovejoy as the Santa Claus who distributed all this largesse was in his element. Tim looked forward to the day when the men and material he had ordered would arrive and begin the construction of dens, rockeries, cages and proper shelter for his charges.
    This idyll persisted until a yell emanated from Whitehall which could have been heard on the Rock without benefit of cable or wireless: Who the devil was Captain Timothy L. Bailey, O.I.C. Apes, and what in blazes was he trying to do—bankrupt the Empire?
    Like seismographic impulses, shock waves went forth from London and crashed up against the Rock. They brought about a series of recriminations which washed down from the Governor to the Colonial Secretary, the Assistant Colonial Secretary, the Brigadier, and finally Tim, who was treated to his first course of Brigade Headquarters fizzing blue temper, of which the details remained vague but the upshot definite. All the bloody nonsense was to stop, the apes were to go back on their original rations. No new building was to be undertaken, and Captain Timothy Bailey was to watch himself if he did not wish suddenly to find himself assigned to the hottest station in India or Aden.
    Only one exchange remained vivid in Tim’s memory, for it had blown the Brigadier to new altitudes of choler never before scaled by man. It had come when the C.R.A. had demanded, “Can you give me any reason for your actions? Can you give me one single, solitary reason for this senseless and wasteful expenditure of Government funds on a pack of filthy, verminous, ill-tempered brutes, the lot of which ought to be shot and dumped into the sea?”
    It was a challenge which could not go unanswered, but unfortunately nothing came into the Captain’s head at that moment but the tale of the superstition connected with the British being driven from Gibraltar should the apes ever die out and leave the Rock.
    “The British leave the Rock! The British be driven from Gibraltar if—if—!”
    “Yes, sir,” said Tim.
    It was at this point that the Brigadier’s temper made its celebrated ascent into the stratosphere. So tremendous was the blow-up that word of it reached the ears of Lovejoy even before Tim arrived back at the office to impart the news.
    “I say, sir,” said the Gunner, “I hear it was a snorter.”
    “It was that, Lovejoy,” Tim assented. “We’re going to have to lie low for a while, but at least we’ve got them thinking apes. How much groundnuts have we on hand?”
    “About a hundredweight, sir.”
    “Well, that will last a couple of months, anyway,” said Tim philosophically, “and by that time they’ll have cooled off.”
    “Then you’re not quitting, sir?” Lovejoy asked in amazement.
    “Hell, no,” said Tim, “we’ve just begun.”
    The Gunner was so impressed by this that he could do