Searches & Seizures by Stanley Elkin Read Free Book Online Page A

You’ve got a big hit, kids. Boffo!”
    “You think they’ll hold us over?”
    “Months. Years.” I do a two-step, a little shuffle. I break into song:
“ There’s no business like show business,
Like no business I know.
One day they are saying you will not go far,
Next day on your dressing room they hang…you. ”
    “Sheeeit.”
    “You think so?” I hold my palms out and up to them. I turn them over. “You see that? Recognize that? Any you people remember what this stuff is? Sunshine. Look, watch this.” I breathe deep. “Fresh air. Smells good. I’ll tell you something else. I ever need to take a crap I get to lock the door. No lids. Sit on a toilet seat like a kid’s inner tube. I go out to lunch they hand me a menu. There’s a napkin on my lap so I shouldn’t get crumbs on my suit. After lunch, I feel like it I walk in the park, sit on a bench, look at the girls. If I wanted I could throw a ball over a wall and chase it. I could walk a mile for a Camel. I got a radio next to my bed pulls in all the stations and there’s never any interference on the TV from the electric chair.”
    “Go peddle your papers, motherfucker.”
    “He is.”
    “I am.”
    “Sheeeit.”
    “There are seven million arrests in the United States annually—I’m giving you the latest year for which we have statistics—a hundred and sixty thousand people in the jails, prisons, pens and work farms at any given moment. I’m giving you the latest moment for which we have statistics.”
    “Sheeeit.”
    “Eighty thousand of you monkeys are in a pretrial or preconviction stage. Eighty thousand. Do you follow what I’m telling you? One out of every two could be out this afternoon if he went bail. I’m coming inside. I’ve arranged with the guards to see as many of you as I can. They’ll be no trouble. Just call the guard and tell him you want to see Mr. Main.” I have a sudden inspiration. “Tell the screw to take you to the visitors’ room. What the hell, I’ll do the lot of you. This town’s been kind of boring with you mothers off the streets.” There are catcalls but I shout above them. “I talk this way in the public streets because this ain’t privilege but constitutional rights we’re discussing. Don’t ask me how it happens, but you creeps have constitutional rights. God Bless America and I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
    The screens in the visitors’ room give it the look of high summer. I wave to the guards, chipper Phoenician that I am. An act of the purest good will because it makes no difference to these sober, side-armed fellows. They have no more regard for me than for their charges. The public makes a mistake when it assumes that all its officials are on the take. Many of these men, low fellows bribed by their very jobs, don’t get a penny off me.
    “Give us a fiver, Phoenician,” one hisses before the men arrive. “You’ll never miss it, sir.”
    “I never heard that,” I tell him, waving the paper container of coffee at him that I got from the machine. “You never said it and I never heard it. Now, where are my boys and girls? Whatever can be keeping them? If there’s been any infringement of their constitutional rights—”
    “Naw, naw,” Poslosky, the chief guard, says. “Nothing like that.”
    They begin to file through a thick door on the other side of the screening. “Paul, they’re on the other side. I want to go in there with them.”
    “Aw, Phoenician, you know the regulations. You shouldn’t be here at all. You’re supposed to see them in the interview rooms. I’d get in trouble.”
    “All right, kid, you’re down for five percent of whatever I take in, but we got to go backstage.”
    “Phoenician, I mean it, you could cost me my job one day.”
    “Good. Terrific. Then you’ll come work for me. What do you say? You’ll be my field representative in the southwest in charge of wetbacks and Indians. I’ll turn you into a real policeman. A hundred fifty bucks for