Searching Hearts by Sabrina Lacey Read Free Book Online Page B

you
marriage is the prize so much so that you choose the first ring
that comes along thinking I won, I won!! And not thinking – wait,
this guy for… my whole life?
    I scan myself in the bathroom mirror and see
newly embedded crows feet and a wedding ring. It takes gallons of
soap and hot water to squeeze it off my atrophied finger. Finally I
place it atop the tiny, hotel-sized soap where it can clean away my
past and stay the hell out of my future.
    Walking into the bedroom, I look out the
window. The ocean waves at me from across the two-lane road.
There’s a cliff.
    Maybe I could throw myself off it. It’s
worth a shot.
    When I get to the edge, I’m surprised and
happy to find I’m not alone. Zeus Jolie turns at the sound of my
footsteps. His dreamy eyes flicker and he scans me again, gaze
resting on my breasts like there’s a NY Steak resting on them,
complete with a bottle of A1 sauce.
    “My eyes are up here.”
    He doesn’t stop eating my skin with his
mind. I feel dizzy at the way this kid looks at me. He’s about 6’1”
and has forsaken a shirt so that the morning sun shines down on his
skin like a spotlight on a party I can’t miss. Most guys would look
embarrassed if I called them on what he’s doing. Not this guy. It’s
like he isn’t interested in my objections. My breath comes shorter
and my chest rises to his call. I want to cross my arms and turn
away but that want is only a habit of thinking I’m taken and
therefore off-limits. But there’s another part of me that is on
limits. Very, very, very on . So I get up the nerve to be a
little naughty. “You like the view?”
    Those blue eyes finally slide up to meet my
eyes. Without blinking, he nods. “Better than the waves or the
sunlit sky.”
    Is this guy a poet or was he just born that
smooth. Oh my.
     
     

7
    Brendan
     
    Ocean Cliff. Not alone.
    Slope difficulty: just went from black
diamond to solo green circle.
    Go.
    ______________________
     
    “You here alone?” I ask Wildcat. She turns
to the ocean and gives me a great view of her profile, her dark
hair blowing back to just below her shoulder blades. Her back is
straight and dignified. She’s a thoroughbred, this one. She’d win
the trophy and ride the jockey all the way home. But she’s angry.
It’s in her eyes. You spot it, you got it – that’s what they say.
I’m spotting it all over the place. I see what I see when I look in
the mirror… detachment.
    “I am. You?”
    I nod, but I’m thinking about that wall of
hers, how high up around her it is. There’s something wild about
looking at a person who’s in the same mental place you’re in. It’s
like I know her more than I should. I look away… because suddenly
it feels too intimate. “Yeah. I just finished college.”
    “Shouldn’t you be partying in Cancun or
somewhere with your buddies?”
    I stare at the ocean, thinking of Mark,
Tommy and Ross in Hawaii. I didn’t go with them because I was
supposed to be in New York celebrating with my girl. I’m supposed
to be there now. By the time she broke it off, my friends were
already gone.
    Mark had ribbed me about not going. For four
years he’s been trying to get me to join him for mayhem and
parties. He and I both started school late – after a couple years
of working to save for it, and that gave us an instant bond when we
met. We both weren’t from rich families. My parents made me earn
it, which was good. I’m better with money now. I know its
worth.
    Do I wish I was with him and the guys now?
Now that I think on it, no. The sanctuary of this secluded place,
bereft of tourists, feels perfect. I don’t want to party. I want to
ache. The crashing water down below this cliff feels right. I feel
in sync with the darkness of it. I can’t see the bottom, just like
I can’t see the bottom of the pain of losing Sara.
    Wildcat’s voice breaks through my thoughts.
“Hey…I’m sorry. You want me to leave you alone?”
    “What?” I ask her, turning and