Sitting in Bars with Cake: Lessons and Recipes from One Year of Trying to Bake My Way to a Boyfriend by Audrey Shulman Read Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Audrey Shulman
the cake comes out clean. Let cool for 5 minutes, then loosen the sides with a knife and invert onto a wire rack to cool completely. Transfer to a serving platter.
To make the frosting : Beat the butter and confectioners’ sugar together until smooth, then beat in the cocoa powder and wine until fluffy and smooth. Spread over the cooled cake.
**Not a choice; cake mix required. You have to go the easiest route here. You’re making this in a Bundt pan expressly because you’re too depressed getting over your breakup to have to wash an additional cake pan.
A
The Guy Who Used My Nose as a Pickup Line
We’d already given this guy a piece of cake earlier in the night, but he’d reappeared, this time with an intentional coat of frosting on his nose.
“Are you Jewish?” he asked me.
“No,” I said, confused. “Well, technically, no. Why?”
“I just couldn’t help but notice your nose,” he said.
Just to give you a nice visual here, my nose is unmistakably prominent, slightly crooked, and alarming when photographed from the side.
“Are you a plastic surgeon?” I asked.
“No, I’m a single Jewish man,” he said, and plopped down next to me.
All this time I had thought pickup lines were supposed to give you some kind of confidence boost, or at least opt you in to some hormonally charged banter that resulted in a handful of lusty dates. The fact that this guy had sought me out with some kind of strategy involving frosting on his face was vaguely flattering, but I was fairly relieved to discover pickup lines were nothing to write home about.
Pickup lines should be relegated to the online purgatory of OkCupid.
A
Chocolate Poppy Seed Cake with Chocolate Frosting
For guys who are unskilled at telling jokes, reading the room, or psyched about Jewish baking.
For the cake:
1 cup (2 sticks/230 g) unsalted butter, at room temperature
1 cup (200 g) sugar
8 ounces (1 block/225 g) cream cheese, at room temperature
3 large eggs
4 ounces (115 g) bittersweet chocolate, melted
2 cups (255 g) all-purpose flour
½ cup (70 g) poppy seeds (not in syrup)
2 teaspoons baking powder
½ teaspoon salt
½ cup (120 ml) milk
For the frosting:
½ cup (1 stick/115 g) unsalted butter, at room temperature
3½ cups (350 g) confectioners’ sugar, sifted
Pinch of salt
½ cup (40 g) unsweetened cocoa powder, sifted
½ cup (120 ml) milk
To make the cake : Preheat the oven to 375°F (190°C). Butter two 9-inch (23-cm) round cake pans, line the bottoms with rounds of parchment paper, and dust the pans with flour, tapping out the excess.
Beat the butter and sugar together until creamy, then beat in the cream cheese. Add the eggs, one at a time, scraping down the sides of the bowl. Stir in the chocolate. In a separate bowl, combine the flour, poppy seeds, baking powder, and salt.
Working in batches, stir the flour mixture into the butter mixture, alternating with the milk; stir until just combined. Divide the batter between the prepared pans.
Bake for 25 to 30 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center of a cake comes out clean. Let cool for 5 minutes, then loosen the sides with a knife and invert onto wire racks to cool completely. Peel off the parchment and transfer one cake layer to a serving platter.
To make the frosting : Beat the butter, confectioners’ sugar, and salt together until smooth, then beat in the cocoa powder and milk until fluffy and smooth. Spread some of the frosting over the bottom cake layer, top with the second cake layer, and spread the remaining frosting over the top and sides.
A
The Guy Who Was Engaged
Being nice to a girl in a bar when you’re engaged isn’t necessarily wrong, even if you go so far as to eat a piece of her cake and tell her how much you like it. But maybe when you actually write down your phone number for her after she asks for it under the guise of going to one of your stand-up shows, that’s when things get dicey. I mean, should guys start wearing engagement
To make the frosting : Beat the butter and confectioners’ sugar together until smooth, then beat in the cocoa powder and wine until fluffy and smooth. Spread over the cooled cake.
**Not a choice; cake mix required. You have to go the easiest route here. You’re making this in a Bundt pan expressly because you’re too depressed getting over your breakup to have to wash an additional cake pan.
A
The Guy Who Used My Nose as a Pickup Line
We’d already given this guy a piece of cake earlier in the night, but he’d reappeared, this time with an intentional coat of frosting on his nose.
“Are you Jewish?” he asked me.
“No,” I said, confused. “Well, technically, no. Why?”
“I just couldn’t help but notice your nose,” he said.
Just to give you a nice visual here, my nose is unmistakably prominent, slightly crooked, and alarming when photographed from the side.
“Are you a plastic surgeon?” I asked.
“No, I’m a single Jewish man,” he said, and plopped down next to me.
All this time I had thought pickup lines were supposed to give you some kind of confidence boost, or at least opt you in to some hormonally charged banter that resulted in a handful of lusty dates. The fact that this guy had sought me out with some kind of strategy involving frosting on his face was vaguely flattering, but I was fairly relieved to discover pickup lines were nothing to write home about.
Pickup lines should be relegated to the online purgatory of OkCupid.
A
Chocolate Poppy Seed Cake with Chocolate Frosting
For guys who are unskilled at telling jokes, reading the room, or psyched about Jewish baking.
For the cake:
1 cup (2 sticks/230 g) unsalted butter, at room temperature
1 cup (200 g) sugar
8 ounces (1 block/225 g) cream cheese, at room temperature
3 large eggs
4 ounces (115 g) bittersweet chocolate, melted
2 cups (255 g) all-purpose flour
½ cup (70 g) poppy seeds (not in syrup)
2 teaspoons baking powder
½ teaspoon salt
½ cup (120 ml) milk
For the frosting:
½ cup (1 stick/115 g) unsalted butter, at room temperature
3½ cups (350 g) confectioners’ sugar, sifted
Pinch of salt
½ cup (40 g) unsweetened cocoa powder, sifted
½ cup (120 ml) milk
To make the cake : Preheat the oven to 375°F (190°C). Butter two 9-inch (23-cm) round cake pans, line the bottoms with rounds of parchment paper, and dust the pans with flour, tapping out the excess.
Beat the butter and sugar together until creamy, then beat in the cream cheese. Add the eggs, one at a time, scraping down the sides of the bowl. Stir in the chocolate. In a separate bowl, combine the flour, poppy seeds, baking powder, and salt.
Working in batches, stir the flour mixture into the butter mixture, alternating with the milk; stir until just combined. Divide the batter between the prepared pans.
Bake for 25 to 30 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center of a cake comes out clean. Let cool for 5 minutes, then loosen the sides with a knife and invert onto wire racks to cool completely. Peel off the parchment and transfer one cake layer to a serving platter.
To make the frosting : Beat the butter, confectioners’ sugar, and salt together until smooth, then beat in the cocoa powder and milk until fluffy and smooth. Spread some of the frosting over the bottom cake layer, top with the second cake layer, and spread the remaining frosting over the top and sides.
A
The Guy Who Was Engaged
Being nice to a girl in a bar when you’re engaged isn’t necessarily wrong, even if you go so far as to eat a piece of her cake and tell her how much you like it. But maybe when you actually write down your phone number for her after she asks for it under the guise of going to one of your stand-up shows, that’s when things get dicey. I mean, should guys start wearing engagement
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