Sitting in Bars with Cake: Lessons and Recipes from One Year of Trying to Bake My Way to a Boyfriend by Audrey Shulman Read Free Book Online

chilled (not frozen), and apply a second layer of frosting before you leave the house.
    (3) No egg beater to whip cream?
    Bring whipping cream, bowl, and whisk to bar, and ask a guy you like to help out by taking a turn beating the cream. (Make sure you wrap the whipping cream in several plastic bags en route to the bar, or you could have a catastrophe.)
    (4) Sink hole in the middle?
    Cover up holes and uneven spots with frosting whenever possible—even if it means buying (forgive me) canned frosting to keep up appearances.
    (5) Ran out of time to bake?
    Make frosting and apply to store-bought cake. NO ONE HAS TO KNOW.
    (6) Ice cream cake melting everywhere?
    Serve cake in tiny cups with spoons. Ask bartender for extra napkins, because you will most definitely run out.
    (7) Almost out of cake but a whole truckload of cute guys just walked in?
    Cut the pieces smaller and serve on napkins, without forks—if people are eating with their hands, they won’t notice the difference in size.
    (8) No ingredients for frosting?
    Use jam or yogurt in between the layers.
    (9) No decorative props or frosting to write with?
    Place a single berry on top, or line the border with nuts or cereal.
    (10) Cake too dry?
    Spread a thin layer of peanut butter or Nutella on each piece.

A
    The Guy Who Was Recently Dumped

    It took us a minute to recognize each other. I’d only known him as the boyfriend of an old acquaintance, occasionally exchanging quick how-are-yous when I first moved to L.A. Now here he was with a bunch of single guys, a category I assumed he had fallen into, as his girlfriend was nowhere to be found and he looked stoned out of his mind.
    “Sure, I’ll have some cake,” he said blurrily. He wasted no time telling me that the girlfriend had very recently broken things off. “I’m just torn up about it,” he said, taking a big bite, trying to keep it together. The buddies who’d brought him to the party stood nearby listening, on guard to prevent a total meltdown. I worried they’d been through this many times.
    I expressed how sorry I was that things hadn’t worked out and tried to change the subject. “How’s your job going? Are you still working for the soil company?”
    “There was never a soil company,” he said. “I just made that up. I was growing pot.”
    “Oh,” I said.
    “I always thought you were cute,” he admitted, pointing his fork in my direction. “Hey, you should give me your info. We should hang out sometime,” he decided, his bloodshot eyes perking up.
    As sweet as he was, as bad as I felt for him, and as flexible as I’d become in my post-college adulthood to maybe accept pot growing as a current career choice, I knew better than to express interest in someone who was clearly still reeling from a difficult breakup. I asked for his number instead, but haven’t gotten around to calling.



A
    Bitter Chocolate Dumped Cake with Cheap-Wine Frosting
    For post-breakup consumption, catered to your tastes and your tastes alone—you deserve whatever you want.
    For the cake:
    1 (15.25-ounce/432-g) package chocolate cake mix**
    3 large eggs
    ½ cup (120 ml) sour cream
    8 ounces (225 g) bittersweet chocolate, melted
    ¼ teaspoon salt
    ¾ cup (180 ml) wine or alcohol of your choice
    1 cup (40 g) of your favorite sugary cereal, just for kicks
    For the frosting:
    ½ cup (1 stick/115 g) unsalted butter, at room temperature
    3½ cups (350 g) confectioners’ sugar, sifted
    ⅓ cup (30 g) unsweetened cocoa powder, sifted
    ⅓ cup (75 ml) wine
    To make the cake : Preheat the oven to 375°F (190°C). Butter and flour a 12-cup (2.8-L) Bundt pan, tapping out the excess.
    Dump all the ingredients except the cereal into a bowl and beat together until smooth. Stir in the cereal. Pour into the prepared pan and smooth the top. (Or I mean, you could just eat the batter raw if it will make you feel better. In which case, leave out the eggs.)
    Bake for 35 to 40 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center of