Something to Believe In (The Renegade Saints Book 4) by Ella Fox Read Free Book Online Page B

up.”
    “There’s a real reason though, and it’s valid,” Gavin reminded me. “You can’t do it now, but you can get there. You know about what Leah went through in the past. She thought she’d never be able to be with anyone, ever. Look at her now! She can’t get enough of my Wilde ass.”
    I half-chuckled. He was right about one thing. Leah had come a long, long way from where she’d started. Maybe he had a point.
    “I can’t even imagine how the fuck I’d try,” I confessed. “First, there’s the fact that I’ve never even been goddamn tempted. Second, I’m a fuckin’ mess. I feel like shit for being an asshole ’cause fuck knows she doesn’t deserve it, but I can’t pretend I’d be good for her.”
    “That’s fuckin’ bullshit,” Cole snapped. “Stop acting like you’re a fucking monster or a defective piece of shit. You’re a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have your crazy ass.”
    I disagreed. “I think in the relationship department, I might as well fucking be classified as defective.”
    “Sounds like some self-hate bullshit talk to me. Besides, how can you really know if you never try?”
    My head popped up as I looked at Gavin. He was staring at me in the quiet way he had.
    “I’m fucked up.”
    “What’s fucked up is how much resistance you put up to something I think would actually be good for you. Probably even great. You’re self-sabotaging.”
    The fucked up thing was, I could imagine a scenario where it was great. But getting there would take fucking work and I’d be far from my comfort zone. I didn’t struggle the way I used to—which was minute by goddamn minute—with my addiction, but it was still there, always lurking. I was very aware of how one false move could send me on a downward spiral which could lead right back to the drugged out hell I’d barely survived in round one.
    “I don’t know how to start,” I admitted. “Maybe if I just give it time…”
    “In this case time isn’t your friend,” Cole answered. “You give it too much time and I guarantee you’ll miss the opportunity because you’ll have talked yourself out of it.”
    “I just don’t know how,” I admitted. “This isn’t some shit I can just snap my fingers and have it resolved.”
    “That’s true, but not doing anything isn’t going to get you anywhere at all. There’s not a goddamn thing stopping you from apologizing to Daisy immediately, and you damn well need to,” Cole said. “Whatever you said to her after I walked out of the bathroom had to have sucked. I’m not fucking with you when I say she looked wrecked.”
    My heart constricted in my chest. Hurting her wasn’t okay.
    “I’ll apologize,” I assured him. “Sincerely.”
    They both stared at me expectantly, waiting for me to say more.
    “I want to try,” I admitted. “I’m just… scared.”
    “I think once you get the dildo out of your ass and stop fucking telling yourself you’re too fucked up to have something good, you’ll be fine,” Cole asserted. “She could be fuckin’ great for you.”
    Gavin chimed in with a chuckle. “I second that. She’s awesome.”
    “I’ll think about it.”
    “For fuckin’ real,” Gavin said firmly. “Don’t just shine us on. Actually do it. Use your head and think.”
    “I promise,” I said sincerely.
    “There we go,” Cole said proudly as he came forward and clapped a hand on my back.
    His face screwed up as he jerked his hand back and made a gagging noise. “Fuckin’ ew , man. You’re wet like you were just swimming. I gotta go wash your sweat off my hand.”
    “I’m sure you’ve had worse than this jackoff’s sweat on your hands,” Gavin joked.
    Just like that the mood between the three of us lifted. It had almost always been that way—the only exception being when I’d gone completely off the rails and lost my shit. Other than during my dark time, the entire band followed a pattern and it worked for us. After we dealt with serious