Soul of the Age by Hermann Hesse Read Free Book Online Page B

who despises morality and all that is “sacred” and “venerable.” That’s almost a pity! I would have been able to make something of myself in life had I been a bit more stupid and allowed myself to be deluded by religion, etc.
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    PS: Today I met some nice, jolly people, a German-Italian by the name of Ottilio Pedotti and a rich Russian, Duke Fritz von Cantacuszène.
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    [ Cannstatt, June 13, 1893 ]
    Well, that’s how it is! I spent Pentecost with you: walks, meals, joking around, Bible readings, music—but then a fight, boredom, and so I left a whole day earlier. And now Mother writes saying that my stay at Pentecost was “so brief,” and also that I should talk “openly” about whatever is “affecting me emotionally”!
    Poor Parents! You think that you’re dealing with an eccentric dreamer with crazy ideals, who is driven by his delusion to stir up mischief, but is actually pining away with grief because of the state of the world and also on account of some personal sorrows. That’s how you view your son.
    You Christians blend optimism and pessimism in strange ways! At the same time as you’re pitying me for being such a dreamer, so nostalgic, I’m trying to while away the time here in Cannstatt, am bored, have debts, etc.!
    You call me “beloved child,” and write of my “struggles,” etc.; you imagine that my dearest wish is to spend my life amidst beautiful, good, dear souls who believe in an idealistic philosophy; you think I’m concerned about such things as a Weltanschauung, love, hatred. And as for the reality? What would I actually wish for myself? Well, if you really want to know the whole truth, my ideal would be to have (1) a millionaire father and also several well-endowed uncles, (2) more talent in practical matters, (3) the opportunity to live and travel wherever I please.
    I couldn’t care less about the aristocracy, yet would love to be an aristocrat, because of the prestige attached to the rank. I think money is absurd, but would really love to be very rich, because of the good life of which it forms part.
    And what’s the point of all this?
    Man lives on bread rather than love; if I had a chance to trade in my exalted ideals, still almost brand-new, for those good Württemberg coupons—ah!
    Farewell now! I shall have to think about what you said about the final exam in high school. I’m quite fearful about life at school and possibly also at university.
    Write again soon, if you wish and can find the time.
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    [On enclosed page] Dear Papa! Congratulations on your birthday, and the best of health to you! Have a really enjoyable time on June 14, and fond regards to the others.
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    [On the reverse side] PS: I have no idea what I would like for my birthday. I shall let you know, if I think of anything. The awful part is that what you have in mind mightn’t appeal to me, and vice versa.
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    By the way, I would ask you not to send books.
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    [ Cannstatt, October 8 or 9, 1893 ]
    I don’t know whether the Principal has written to you or not. I hope so.
    I probably cannot go on like this for much longer. While I don’t have ordinary headaches, I always feel an awfully dull, uniform pressure in my head which develops into a headache when I have to concentrate. I can’t cope with the assignments, which aren’t excessive at all. I have to spend three or four times the usual amount of time on them, and my inattentiveness in class is downright embarrassing by now. I’m not able to follow properly, especially if asked questions, etc., and so I’m continually receiving reprimands, having to copy out lines, etc.
    I’m terribly sorry to have to cause you such problems again, and so soon, too, but I had to tell you that I can no longer put up with this. Couldn’t somebody come over here to see what might be done?
    I wasn’t able to recuperate sufficiently