Steel & Ice by Emily Eck Read Free Book Online

control
from my parents. You could say she was more subtle with her
rebellion, whereas I shoved it in my parents’ face
    I started working when I was fourteen, and
began saving for a car from my first day on the job. When I turned
sixteen, I got my license and saved for a few more months before
getting myself some wheels. It was old and rusty, but it was golden
to me. It meant I didn’t have to rely on anyone to drive me around,
or come get me out of the stifling weight that pushed on me at my
parents’ house. My mom tried to give me a curfew. By that time I
was already working late nights in the kitchen and partying with
adults. I was done following her rules. At the time, it was a
matter of self-preservation. At least on the streets I was in
charge of my body and my life, or I thought I was.
    ******
    I was half way into the fall semester, and a
few months into my volunteering. Chris, Aaron and I were draped
over Chris’ beat up sectional we all loved. I preferred not to have
people over to my place, and Aaron had a roommate so Chris’ place
became the gathering place when all three of us were together.
Aaron had fucked a hippy the previous night and scored some killer
nuggs and Xanax. We were all on cloud nine when Chris decided to
bust into my business.
    “ So what’s up with this
volunteer shit you’re so tight lipped about?”
    It took me a minute to answer as I was in
slow motion by that point. I hadn’t wanted to talk about it, but
she caught me with my defenses down. You might have gotten every
single deep, dark secret out of me in that moment. Luckily, she
just wanted to know about my time at the center.
    “ You know, when I’m on
campus I feel good. I feel clean. Like my life may have some
purpose. And I didn’t even know I was lacking purpose. I was just
going through the motions of life. I was so anxious to get out of
my parents’ house and to be able to stop fucking guys for a place
to sleep at night, that I didn’t think about much else. I’ve got my
place and my shit all in order now. I stopped having self
destructive sex years ago. Well, fuck, I kinda miss sex. Anyhoo, it
was boredom that made me take a class at the college. When I’m
there I feel at ease. I can’t explain it. It’s like I’m OK cuz I’m
doing something with myself. It’s not the streets where you gotta
fight to stay alive and not get raped, beaten, or killed. I feel
calm. It’s like I can let my guard down a little. God, it’s so
fucking refreshing to not have to look over my shoulder all the
time. “
    “ Pause your monologue, and
puff puff pass, chica,” Aaron interrupted.
    “ Deflect much? Volunteer?
What the fuck? You’re not going Jesus on me are you?” Chris asked,
bolting up from her seat.
    “ Jesus? What? Dude, it’s a
Latino community center. Where the fuck did you get Jesus from?” I
chuckled, shaken out of my monologue, which was really a soliloquy,
as I had forgotten Aaron and Chris were there. Oops.
    “ Whatever. What’s up with
it, and why aren’t you telling me about it? And why are you
monologue-ing about school?” Chris asked, passing me the pipe. “Hit
that before you start up again.”
    I puffed on the pipe and heard the familiar
crackling sound signaling the bowl was cashed, empty. I passed it
to Aaron. “Cuz I get a similar feeling at this volunteer gig. I
don’t know how to talk about it. It’s causing feelings I can’t
identify. How is that possible?” I paused to stare at my hand in
front of my face. It was looking kinda weird. I shook my head to
clear it and get back on track. “I’m working with teens. Some only
five years younger than me. And Penny’s telling them not to do
stuff that I’ve done, and some things I still do. It makes me feel
weird, yet I like going, even if I’m just cooking. And the kids are
warming up to me. It was all awkward and shit at first. You know I
ain’t exactly Ms. Personality when I meet people. I was scared
shitless my first day. Not to