Steel My Heart by Vivian Lux Read Free Book Online Page A

Maybe I just wasn't good enough to discern the finer things in life. Maybe I should just accept what Robert said and stop trying second-guess him. Maybe he was wrong, and there really wasn't a difference, he just wanted to feel superior to me.
    I swallowed and shoved that thought aside.
    Thinking about the sheets was keeping the other thoughts out of my head. That was deliberate. If I thought about the sheets and wondered about the sheets, if I kept my focus on the sheets, then I didn't have to think about why Robert wasn't in bed next to me.
    I didn't have to think about where he was or who he was with. Or what perfume she was wearing.
    As I thought about the sheets, I felt something tickle my cheek. I brushed my finger across it and was startled to find that it came away wet.
    It was only then that I realized I was crying.
    I wanted to roll over to his side and bury my face in his pillow. I would have loved to inhale his familiar scent, if I could find it. But the sheets were clean and his smell had been washed away. His side of the bed smelled antiseptic and impersonal. He hadn't been home since we last slept together.
    The tears came faster.
    The hollow place in my belly suddenly twisted violently. I ran headlong into the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before my stomach rejected everything I had eaten today. I hung my head over the toilet bowl, heaving and spitting. The man I loved should be here, rubbing my back. He should be here holding my hair so it didn't fall into the toilet. He wouldn't, but he should. He should be here and he isn't and where the fuck is he anyway ?
    The hollow place exploded, flooding my whole body with the million little hurts and rejections of my life with Robert.
    I took a deep breath and screamed.
    E very single word, every single facial expression, every single slight flashed through my head, treating me to a personal slideshow of Hell. My body flooded with adrenaline and I balled my fists, swallowing the bile in the back of my throat.
    I felt like I would suffocate. The walls of our airy master suite threatened to close in on me. I splashed water in my face and looked at myself in the mirror.
    I needed to get out of here.
    But there was something I needed to do first.
    Rushing back into the bedroom, I dove headlong to the back of my closet. Shoving past the skirts of the expensive ball gowns Robert had bought me, I unearthed the box of treasures I had rescued from the trash room. My stuff. The stuff that Robert had tried to throw away.
    I dug around inside, past the old, threadbare blankets and found what I was looking for. I took out the old T-shirt and cradled it in my arms like a baby.
    It was one of my old concert tees. The band had long since broken up, but I had kept it as a memory of the fun I used to have. When I shook it out, I smiled through my tears at what a mess it was and remembered the wild night that Sammie and I had spent in our dorm room. One of the fashion students had lent her a sewing machine, and we had gleefully spent the night drunkenly customizing our wardrobe. I ran my hand over the spangles at the shoulder, laughing grimly as I remembered Robert's horrified reaction when he saw it. I had cut holes in the side and woven strips of leather up like laces. Sammie had sewn an asymmetrical ruffle along the hem. The whole thing was a riot of color and bad taste.
    I slipped it over my head. I wondered if it would still fit in spite of my weight loss. But my old friend seemed to remember my body. As if it had never wanted to let me go in the first place. I smoothed my hand over the worn fabric fondly.
    P ulling on a pair of jeans, I grabbed my lipstick. Then I ran for the door, leaving the box wide open on the floor. Daring to show that I still had it.
    Officer Wilkens was still on duty when I reached the lobby. I blew past him with a wave. I pushed the lobby door open and burst out onto the pavement at a dead run. I sprinted blindly, twisting and turning across the