Stuff Christians Like by Jonathan Acuff Read Free Book Online Page B

Everyone else, pray if you feel led.”
    Suddenly, there’s an expectation. In less than a minute, that opening prayer is going to wrap up, and you’ll be faced with an incredibly difficult decision: Do I pray? Do I feel led? When do I pray? When is the “Closer” going to speak up and end this thing? How do I not start praying at the same time as someone else?
    There are so many questions, each fraught with danger and intrigue. That’s why I created this simple list, “The Seven People You Meet in a Prayer Circle.” It’s like that book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven , but slightly more sarcastic and bound not to become a made-for-television movie.
1. The Opener
    You might think the Closer is the one with all the power, but don’t be misled. The Opener is in control. In addition to often choosing the Closer, they set the tone for the entire prayer circle. If they go long, people after them will go long. If they add cute little jokes to the opening prayer, people after them will be casual too. More than that, they don’t have to worry about the Closer or fear someone else cutting them off. They can pray and then relax. Their job is done in a matter of seconds.
2. The Almost-er
    This is the person sitting near you who is constantly on the verge of praying. You can hear them doing that little breath thing—that small inhale that occurs a split second before someone speaks. And you can hear it because it’s loud in the deafening silence of the prayer circle. Every time you’re about to say a prayer, you hear the Almost-er and stop because you don’t want to cause a prayer train wreck. And then they don’t pray. So you start again, and an inhale from the Almost-er stops you again. It’s quite the little dance.
3. The Rambler
    Another name for this person is the “Jon Acuff.” This is the person who sees the chance to pray in front of people as an open microphone. A chance to not-so-subtly reference everything they’ve recently learned during their quiet time in one long, rambling prayer that feels like a sermon. And there’s no way to stop them, unless you’re married to them. If you are, then, like my wife, you can grab the Rambler’s hand and give him a squeeze that says, “I love you. You are good at praying, but no one wants to hear about the spiritual mysteries you’ve uncovered recently in the book of Joel.” (It’s possible I’ve Lifetime-channeled my interpretation of that hand squeeze though, and my wife is actually trying to say, “Stop. Please, stop right now. You are killing me with your Bible-flavored rambletastic ridiculousness.”)
4. The Cave-In
    Deciding not to pray in a prayer circle is like not giving to a love offering. “What? You don’t feel led? You’re the only person in the room who didn’t get led? The Holy Spirit isn’t speaking to you right now? Maybe we should pray for you instead of doing this prayer circle.” Expect at least one person to be the Cave-In and give in to prayer pressure.
5. The Gunslinger
    When there are only two people left who haven’t prayed and the Closer is mentally warming up to end the session, you may end up in a prayer showdown. It’s just you and one other person who haven’t prayed yet. The entire circle senses that the first few prayers were good, but they just need one more tiny prayer to wrap things up before the Closer. But you don’t want to pray, and neither does the Gunslinger. So you sit there in silence across from each other, like cowboys in the street, waiting, letting the tension and the awkwardness build, until finally someone draws their gun and blurts out, “Lord, thank you for this day and everything you’ve blessed us with!”
6. The Shot Blocker
    This one is rare. Hearing this in a group prayer is like seeing a unicorn. But it can happen in a prayer circle when everyone in the room knows that someone is praying for something they should not be praying for. The entire circle knows that Mark is the wrong guy for Sue