Stuff Christians Like by Jonathan Acuff Read Free Book Online

success rate when it comes to actually following through on my “I’ll pray for you” promises. I know that’s horrible, but that reflects a ten-year average that includes 2000 – 2005, when I was batting about .000. I’ve done better these last five years to pull up my average, but you know what they say about prayer statistics: “It’s a marathon, not a sprint.” (I think there was an analogy traffic jam in that last paragraph.)
    But what if there was a better way? What if instead of saying, “I’ll pray for you,” and then not, we could all do something else? What if we could learn some other ways to end a Christian conversation?
“Here, have some pocket candy.”
    Conversations, much like Saturday Night Live skits, are often difficult to end. What started out funny and enjoyable just kind of slowly deteriorates until you’re both standing there saying, “So…yeah…that’s what’s going on.” I think it might be nice, when you sense that a conversation has lost its momentum and it’s time to move on, if you offered the person you’re talking with some pocket candy. Instead of saying, “I’ll pray for you,” you could say, “I need to go now, but I’d like to leave you with something. Here, have some pocket candy.” Everyone loves candy. And even if they don’t, they’ll be too stunned to really say anything as you fill their hands with delicious treats, rather than an empty promise to pray for them.
“Razzle dazzle.”
    This one makes no sense and that’s kind of the point. It’s just really fun to say, and at the bare minimum, it will be awkwardlyfunny. Just imagine if your friend says, “So anyway, that’s what’s going on. Not much else…whatever,” and you reply, “Razzle Dazzle man, Razzle Dazzle.” (Bonus points if you can combine this one with pocket candy and actually give your friend a handful of Razzles, the candy that turns into a gum. Remember that stuff? It somehow managed to suck as both a gum and as a candy. Phenomenal.)
“That’s interesting.”
    If you’ve ever worked in a corporation, you’ve heard this phrase. This term is so large and undefined that when someone shows you an idea at work, you can say, “That’s interesting,” and it can mean everything from, “I like that plan! I think we should turn it into a project,” to, “That is the worst idea I have ever heard in my life and will probably bankrupt the company if we so much as make eye contact with it.” Try it today. You can use it in almost any situation. Someone spills coffee on your computer keyboard: “That’s interesting. The vowels don’t work anymore.” Someone offers you a raise and an office with a door: “That’s interesting. I think I would like a promotion.” It’s great for work, and it’s a pretty handy “I’ll pray for you” replacement. Not because it’s a dishonest phrase, but because it buys you time to gather your thoughts and reflect on the conversation instead of just throwing up an automatic “I’ll pray for you.”
“Let’s pray right now.”
    Rock the PRT (Prayer Right There) if you really want to pray for someone. Don’t let the push and pace of life swallow the request. Even if you write down a prayer request, you’re going to lose that piece of paper or your wife will throw it away because she thought it was trash even though it also had a great book idea on it. Hypothetically speaking, of course. So just pray. Or if that feels weird, pray while you walk away or drive away or Ruckus away, if you are so lucky to own a Honda Ruckus scooter. (I love that word ruckus. That’s what I want to do with God—create a ruckus. And the idea of creating a ruckus while at the same time riding a scooter named Ruckus makes my head spin.)
NOT KNOWING IF WE’RE SUPPOSED TO PRAY FOR FRIENDS HAVING PLASTIC SURGERY
    I had cosmetic surgery once. I know what you’re thinking: pec implants. You’ve probably seen that beach photo of me that’s going around the internet.