Tenth of December by George Saunders Read Free Book Online

doing my time.
    “Acknowledge,” I said. And gave Rachel one last look of love, knowing (as she did not yet know) that this would be the last look of love I would be giving her.
    Soon she was merely fine to me, and I merely fine to her. She looked, as had Heather, embarrassed, as in: What was up with that just now? Why did I just go so overboard with Mr. Average here?
    Did I love her? Or her me?
    No.
    When it was time for her to go, we shook hands.
    The place where my MobiPak™ was surgically joined to my lower back was sore from all our positional changes. Plus I was way tired. Plus I was feeling so sad. Why sad? Was I not a dude? Had I not just fucked two different girls, for a total of six times, in one day?
    Still, honestly, I felt sadder than sad.
    I guess I was sad that love was not real? Or not all thatreal, anyway? I guess I was sad that love could feel so real and the next minute be gone, and all because of something Abnesti was doing.
    IV
    After Snack Abnesti called me into Control. Control being like the head of a spider. With its various legs being our Workrooms. Sometimes we were called upon to work alongside Abnesti in the head of the spider. Or, as we termed it: the Spiderhead.
    “Sit,” he said. “Look into Large Workroom 1.”
    In Large Workroom 1 were Heather and Rachel, side by side.
    “Recognize them?” he said.
    “Ha,” I said.
    “Now,” Abnesti said. “I’m going to present you with a choice, Jeff. This is what we’re playing at here. See this remote? Let’s say you can hit this button and Rachel gets some Darkenfloxx™. Or you can hit this button and Heather gets the Darkenfloxx™. See? You choose.”
    “They’ve got Darkenfloxx™ in their MobiPaks™?” I said.
    “You’ve all got Darkenfloxx™ in your MobiPaks™, dummy,” Abnesti said affectionately. “Verlaine put it there Wednesday. In anticipation of this very study.”
    Well, that made me nervous.
    Imagine the worst you have ever felt, times ten. That does not even come close to how bad you feel on Darkenfloxx™. The time it was administered to us in Orientation, briefly, for demo purposes, at one-third the dose now selected on Abnesti’s remote? I have never felt so terrible. All of us were just moaning, heads down, like, How could we ever have felt life was worth living?
    I do not even like to think about that time.
    “What’s your decision, Jeff?” Abnesti said. “Is Rachel getting the Darkenfloxx™? Or Heather?”
    “I can’t say,” I said.
    “You have to,” he said.
    “I can’t,” I said. “It would be like random.”
    “You feel your decision would be random,” he said.
    “Yes,” I said.
    And that was true. I really didn’t care. It was like if I put you in the Spiderhead and gave you the choice: Which of these two strangers would you like to send into the shadow of the valley of death?
    “Ten seconds,” Abnesti said. “What we’re testing for here is any residual fondness.”
    It wasn’t that I liked them both. I honestly felt completely neutral toward both. It was as if I had never seen, much less fucked, either one. (They had really succeeded in taking me back to baseline, I guess I am saying.)
    But, having once been Darkenfloxxed™, I just didn’t want to do that to anyone. Even if I didn’t like the personvery much, even if I hated the person, I still wouldn’t want to do it.
    “Five seconds,” Abnesti said.
    “I can’t decide,” I said. “It’s random.”
    “Truly random?” he said. “Okay. I’m giving the Darkenfloxx™ to Heather.”
    I just sat there.
    “No, actually,” he said, “I’m giving it to Rachel.”
    Just sat there.
    “Jeff,” he said. “You have convinced me. It would, to you, be random. You truly have no preference. I can see that. And therefore I don’t have to do it. See what we just did? With your help? For the first time? Via the ED289/290 suite? Which is what we’ve been testing today? You have to admit it: you were in love. Twice.