Texts from Jane Eyre by Mallory Ortberg Read Free Book Online Page A

bracelet do you think cosette would like better
the one with diamonds
 or the one with diamonds PLUS rubies

     hey babe
cosette
 babe
     hi  
     what does your dad do
like
 for jail
     what? 
     i mean like
your dad was in jail right
 he’s like a revolutionary or a murderer or something
     no 
     shit
 i guess that was someone else
     someone else? 
     oh my god babe not like that
 i just mean someone else’s dad must have gone to jail
     he did go to jail 
     oh right on
right on
 that’s right on for sure
     but not for murder 
     oh awesome
my parents will be so relieved
Enjolras will be bummed though
oh babe while i have you
would you rather honeymoon on the Riviera
 or just like, hot-air balloon around the world
     I hadn’t thought about it 
     should we make any decisions before the revolution?
mmm probably not
let’s just say PROBABLY hot-air balloon around the world
but see what happens first
w/r/t revolutions
 topple that damned Louis XVI!!!
     that already happened 
     what 
     we already toppled Louis XVI
in the first revolution
  in the 1700s
     wait so do we not do a king anymore like at all 
     there’s a different king now 
     what’s his name 
     Louis-Philippe 
     oh my god how many guys named Louis are there
no wonder there’s a revolution
OH
babe
do you want to come to the revolution with me??
it might be lame but we can bail whenever
and there’s something going on after I know about
so we can just stop by
 if we want

A Tale of Two Cities
     Dr. Manette
They’ve taken him
they’ve taken him and I don’t
  know where he’s gone
     Taken whom, my dear 
     Charles
Charles, of course
He’s in the Bastille
the things they’re saying about him
they’re terrible
what are we going to do, what will we do
  we’ve got to save him
     Don’t you worry little one
I know just what to do
 I’m going to make shoes

Rudyard Kipling
     i’m bored
 let’s go shoot something
     okay
  What
     i don’t care
a tiger
 or a Boer
     what was that last one? 
     I mean a bear 
     oh
  Okay
     haha must have been a weird typo
it’s illegal to hunt men
 but exhilarating
     what? 
     i said it was illegal
and also
execrable
 execrable was the second word i said

Daisy Miller
    Part III
     Daisy
there’s a castle just up the hill I want you to see
it’s absolutely beautiful this time of year
please say you’ll come
 we’ll walk the ramparts together and find lilac growing in the walls
     oh how lovely
  I’d be so pleased to come
     oh my god
you were really going to do it
 you were going to go to a castle alone with me
     I don’t understand 
     you wouldn’t
 you slut

Daisy Miller
    Part IV
     listen
Daisy
either run away with me this minute
or put on a goddamned shawl
 you have the naked shoulders of a sultan’s whore

The Sun Also Rises
     Brett
 Brett did you get that picture I sent you

     I did, yeah 
     the picture of my penis I mean 
     yes 
     Brett
guess how much of my penis I still have left
you know
after my accident
 after my penis accident
     I really don’t want to play this game, Jake 
     no come on guess 
     I don’t have unlimited texting
  these messages are kind of expensive for me
     I’ll give you a hint:
 it’s definitely SOME

     at the bar
u coming
brett
bretttttttttttt
brettly
 brettles
     oh my god yes
  give me ten minutes
     okay
 Awesome
     I’m bringing Cohn with me 
     uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 
     Jake 
     uuuuuuuuuuuuughhhh 
     you don’t own the bar
  he can come to the bar if he wants to
     no but brett
brett listen
 fuck that guy
     we’ll be there in ten minutes 
     ask him if he wants to come with me to spain tomorrow 
     are you serious 
     uuuuuuuuuugh yes
i don’t want to go to spain alone brett
that’s so lame
who goes to spain by themsleves
haha
 sleves
     k fine i’ll ask 
     see you soon
slevvvvves
 hey im gonna send u a real quick pic of