Texts from Jane Eyre by Mallory Ortberg Read Free Book Online Page B

my penis
     please don’t 
     no its ok it’ll be super quick 

    six missed calls

     brett
brett did u get my messages
brett im so sorry
im so sorry we cant ever have sex
oh my god im so sorry
 im gonna call you again just in case

     its so awful that you cant have sex with me
im so sorry
thats why ur so lost brett
brett u cant keep living like this
going to bars and traveling
being friends with jewish guys
oh my god he’s so jewish
and having sex with men who like you
its killing u brett
its killing u inside i can tell
hang on i gotta throw up im gonna call you
oh fuck im throwing up so bad
and we’re all gonna die someday
 and ur never even gonna have sex with me even

Agatha Christie
     we’ve got to get off this train at once 
     my god
what’s wrong?
  has there been a murder?
     not yet
but I believe they’ve let a JEW on board
 tell that Arab boy to fetch our luggage at once

The Great Gatsby
     Niiiick
Do you realize I never see you anymore
I miss hanging out with you
 so much
     I miss you too Daisy 
     Let’s hang out RIGHT NOW 
     Now? 
     Now would be the best time! 
     It’s awfully late 
     Let’s just be spontaneous okay
 Come pick me up and we’ll do something wild
     Where are you? 
     I would say definitely in the valley of ashes
nearrrrr the road
 but not on it exactly
     What are you doing there? 
     haha you are just
 full of questions today
     I’m just wondering why you want to hang out
all of a sudden
at midnight
in the valley of ashes
  it feels like maybe all that you want is a ride
     oh my god
how can you even say that
 why are you so mean to me

Daisy Miller
    Part V
     have you seen Daisy today 
     I think she’s out with that guy 
     what guy 
     the Italian one
you know
  I can’t remember the name
     she has Italian friends? 
     yeah 
     ewwww 
     I know 
     never mind
 forget I asked
     uuuuugh 
     right 

J. Alfred Prufrock
     do you want to go out tonight 
     where 
     idk
like a one-night cheap hotel
 or maybe one of those sawdust restaurants
     Sawdust restaurants?
  Like with the peanut shells on the floor?
     with oyster shells 
     Oyster shells on the floor? 
     let’s have a tedious argument in the streets 
     have you been drinking? 
     the sky is so beautiful tonight
 like a patient etherized on a table
     I’m coming over
  I’m worried about you
     there’s yellow smoke on the window-panes 
     What kind of smoke?
  Did you leave the stove on?
     it’s curling all around the house 
     You need to get out of the house 
     oh it’s already sliding along the street 
     Get out of the house
now
  I’m coming over
     there will be time
 there will be time for you and me

     they say it I know they say it
 they all say it
     I honestly think you’re being paranoid 
     “But his arms and legs are thin!” 
     Nobody says that about you 
     Or how thin my hair is getting 
     Your hair looks fine 
     You’re all saying it
you think I can’t understand you because you’re talking
about Michelangelo
 But I know what you’re saying about me
     I like the way your arms and legs look
  I like your hair the way it is
     You’d like me pinned and wriggling on the wall 
     I never said that
  that’s a terrible thing to say
     I wish I were claws
 I wish I were just a bunch of claws
     like a crab? 
     no
just claws
ripping shit up with my claws
living underwater
 can we go back to that oyster restaurant
     that depends
are you going to pretend to be a pair of claws and scuttle around
  in the lobster tank?
     are you going to drive me there or what 

     S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
 Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse
     you know I don’t speak Italian 
     Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo 
     No idea what you’re saying
so
  let me know if you want to talk later in English
     sorry new phone
 who is this

     I told you they