Texts from Jane Eyre by Mallory Ortberg Read Free Book Online

joke
     no
  what makes you ask?
     oh my god
no reason at allll
totally just asking
it looks so good on you
 and i think you’re super brave for wearing it
     brave?
  why brave?
     ahahahhahaha you are such a KIDDER
you and that green dress
not that i’d really call it a dress
see you at dinner!!!
 see you and also i guess see that dress at dinner!!

The Island of Dr. Moreau
     what do you think would happen
 if you mixed a hyena and a man together
     I 
     like mixed their bodies together I mean 
     what? 
     like if you cut them up and then smashed them together and then sewed them back up 
     I don’t know
  what kind of a question is that
     I bet a lot would happen 

Daisy Miller
    Part II

     hi Daisy 
     hi 
     so I feel like I have to tell you something
normally I wouldn’t say anything but I feel like
 we’re friends now
     how kind of you 
     anyhow I just thought you should know
that there’s someone in Vevey going around impersonating you
 some sort of…coquette
     coquette? 
     what I mean is
last night Mrs. Sanders saw someone dressed just like you
having dinner
 in a restaurant
     is that all? 
     a restaurant with MALE waiters 
     oh 
     naturally I told her it couldn’t have been you
and that you’d sooner commit suicide
 than eat dinner off a plate a male stranger had touched
     that’s very kind of you
  but I’m afraid it must have been me she saw

     oh 
     you know in New York we eat dinner from all kinds of waiters
  all the time

     oh my god
how fun for you
New York sounds just
it just sounds
 talk later
     bye then 
     byyyye 

Les Misérables
     where are you? 
     I am so there
this barricade is going to be an absolute HAPPENING you guys
don’t start without me
 i am on my way in like five minutes
     Marius
I’m concerned that you don’t really understand
  the reason for our movement
     oh my god
 what do you mean
     I sometimes question your commitment to the cause 
     how could you possibly even question that 
     I don’t know, Marius
maybe it’s because you have missed every one of
our clashes with the police
  because you were still studying for the bar
     to bring down the system from within! 
     Marius
your father is a baron
  He’s an actual baron
     well
 only a Napoleonic baron
     that’s still a baron 
     well when you say it like that 
     how did i say it 
     i don’t know
 it’s just how you said it

     are you coming or not? 
     i’m definitely so much coming for sure 
     quick question
 can i bring my girlfriend
     oh my god 
     she’s totally into barricades
it’ll be great
you’ll love her
her dad was in jail so
she totally gets it if you know what i mean
like THE STRUGGLES
wait or he’s a cop
I can’t remember
he definitely has been to a jail
either as a cop or a jail guy
haha prisoner
“jail guy”
ANYHOW
on my way rn
 oh hold up do you guys want me to bring anything??
     Marius
could you
in your own words
explain what we are fighting for, do you think?
  just as a favor to me
     haha what a goofy question
ya goof
 for the REVOLUTION
     yes exactly
but could you list for me
one or two of the revolution’s goals
  or aims
     to
 rise up
     right right
that is in a broad sense the goal of all revolutions
  can you be even the slightest bit more specific
     um
the right to work
no
the right to stop working
nobody has too many jobs
something about jobs
annnd voting??
it’s the Huguenots
no
ugghh um um um
there’s too much bread
 everyone’s sick of bread
     oh my god 
     Napoleon’s back
Napoleon took everyone’s bread
 I swear to god I so know this

     marius where are you
  i am at the barricade with your note
     sorry new phone who is this 
     it’s eponine 
     ohhhhh heyy babe
i’m out rn
buying bracelets for cosette
 so i can’t really talk
     ah 
     can you just hang tight there for a while 
     if i can find shelter from the bullets 
     awesome
hey which